Wednesday, March 18, 2015

2425 Milk O'Peep

Get ready to shake with enthusiasm or shiver with dread.  The Easter world as we know it is about to change.

Forget about gooey Cadbury eggs with centers so saccharin sweet they gag a maggot.  Forget about delicate robin eggs staining clothing when encountering only slight moisture.  Forget about Easter grass replacing pine needles as the persistent non-vacuum-able stuff stuck to your carpet.  An enterprising product team has now come up with the ultimate Easter offering. 

Peep Milk.

That's right, Peep Milk.  It comes in three flavors.  Sweetened Marshmallow Milk.  Sweetened Chocolate Marshmallow Milk.  And in an apparent act of holiday treat piracy, Easter Eggnog Flavored Milk.  Because, you know, eggnog goes so well with devilled eggs. 

Peep milk.  It creates so many questions.  Will it taste like the milk you get after eating a bowl of Lucky Charms?  Or will it be even sweeter?  Perhaps like the milk left over from Cap'n Crunch.

How does one milk a Peep to begin with?  My experience with Peeps is they have fairly rudimentary anatomies.  Is there some hidden Peep teat?

There are two main Peep species.  Chicken Peeps and Rabbit Peeps.  In the real world, Chickens, being non-mammals, produce no milk, and feed their young by regurgitating into their mouths.  Not a good model for candy consumption.  Bunny milk is possible.  Something like it might be responsible for the cheese dish Welsh Rabbit. 

Still, Peeps are tiny.  Milking them seems a bit cruel.  And no one wants to think their Peep milk came from inhumane factory Peep farm conditions.  Peeps languishing in their own Peep poop, force fed and stuffed with antibiotics, then crammed into narrow stalls where cold mechanical manipulators drain them of their Peep milk.

I'm hoping they at least use free range Peeps.  
America, ya gotta love it. 

No comments: