tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-123191552024-03-07T06:03:10.036-08:00America Ya Gotta Love ItFunny Guy on the Prowl has been at it since 1987Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.comBlogger2461125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-73205690949645987312015-05-07T09:04:00.001-07:002015-05-07T09:04:07.645-07:002461 Shigella Shake<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->The world of rock and roll offers
up interesting takes on our language sometimes. I was reminded of that the
other day when I read of the emergence of a drug-resistant form of the bacteria
that causes what’s erroneously called Montezuma's revenge. Dude, ease up on
Mexico, the disease is linked to traveling to foreign lands generally. The
bacterium is known scientifically by the name Shigella.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I'm not entirely sure how to
pronounce it but Shih-GELL-ah seems right. When you look at the way it's
spelled, s-h-i-g-e-l-l-a-, it could easily be SHIH-guh-lah. Which, you gotta
admit, sounds like one of those Thousand Dances in the Land Wilson Pickett sang
about. Right up there with the watusi and the boogaloo. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Not least because shigella causes
various unpleasant symptoms, among them muscular cramps and spasms, nausea,
vomiting, and diarrhea. So going to a foreign land and dancing the fox trots is
not out of the question. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I've also learned from Lorde, teen
phenom from down under, that the pronunciation of a word can shift if you need
it to. And I can appreciate that. Tone and meter sometimes require screwing up
the actual language.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Lorde does it in the song Team to
the word "reveled." Which she pronounces rah-VELLed. Unless she's
talking about hair shampooing being the cause for celebration. Then again, it’s
quite possible Reh-VELL is how they say REH-vel down under in the billabong,
Mite. G'day.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>The worst rock and roll word screw up I've ever
heard is in the old Rod Stewart song, "I was only joking." Perhaps he
was, when he sang about his song being sung for "prosperity" instead
of "posterity." <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
He was right I suppose. He did make
money on the song. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Even though you couldn't dance to
it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-37755301705822025692015-05-07T09:01:00.001-07:002015-05-07T09:01:38.124-07:002460 Oddible<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->Do big companies not understand how
words connect to alternate meanings? It's like when I was a kid. I seem to
remember the Hostess company, who'd had such a success with its marshmallow
spongy-frosting Sno-Ball cupcake, trying to introduce a new color. They were
doing so well with the pink Sno-Ball. It was such a bad idea to try to market
the yellow Sno-Ball.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
So it is with Amazon. Not long ago
I was attempting to buy something online. And I was a little dismayed. Because
Amazon has certain default settings for options. Those selection buttons like
"add to my cart," and "check Prime and get it by Tuesday,"
and "New" and "Used."<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
The item I was buying was a
personal product. Let's say toilet paper. Amazon still had the "Used"
button as a choice. Eewww. I clicked it and there was nothing there, thank
goodness. They've since changed it. But they still have the button that says
"New." At this point why not just say "Buy"? Even bringing
up New makes you think of the other option.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
In the book section, there’s
another problematic option. Because lots of folks like audio books. And Amazon
now gives you two choices.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
One choice is just a regular old
audio book like you buy at any bookstore. The other one is a special audio book
produced by Amazon. Unfortunately, the brand name they've chosen for their
product is Audible. Not audible like you can hear the brand name. The name
itself is Audible. You see the confusion. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
"Yep, I'd like to order an
audible audio book." I should hope so. If it's non-audible its not a very
good audio book is it?<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Maybe it's a football thing. I
think Peyton Manning bought the audible book Omaha Omaha. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-51622035331110801862015-05-05T09:39:00.000-07:002015-05-05T09:39:13.092-07:002459 Sweatphone<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->We've heard before that it's highly
likely human sweat contains pheromones, those personal chemicals that convey
varying degrees of sexiness. It certainly makes sense, most animals, from bears
to bees, exude some sort of scent that sucks in the opposite sex. Why not
humans? We gotta procreate too. Survival of the species and all that.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Great pick-up line in an off campus
bar, "Want to study Darwin?"<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Scientists now say that human sweat
does even more. It can communicate whether you are happy or sad. Researchers gathered
a group of men, and carefully vetted them to make sure they didn't have any
psychological disorders, weren't smokers, hadn't used alcohol nor engaged in
sexual activity recently, consumed smelly food, or had a serious workout. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
You know, ordinary people.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
They had the men wash their armpits
and wedge an absorbent pad in them. Then the men watched movies, some happy,
some scary, some sad. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
The researchers recruited 36 women,
also with the aforementioned prohibitions of behavior, to smell those sweaty
pads.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Why the men did the emoting and the
women did the sweat smelling wasn't discussed in the research paper. Either
because women are better smellers and men are more smelly, or because women
always get the sucky jobs in the male-dominated scientific and tech world,
that's the way it went.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
In any event, researchers concluded
that happy films watched by the men were detectable as happy pads when the
women smelled them. One woman actually said she smelled fried green tomatoes.
Fear and negative emotion were also detectable. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
My conclusions. Dad was right. Dogs
really can smell fear on you. And two, how can we harness this in a smartphone?
Sweat communication! Forget texting. We can have scented sweat emojis. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Sweaxting. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-18212946691422631202015-05-04T07:14:00.003-07:002015-05-04T07:14:45.922-07:002458 App-liance<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I don't really want the internet of
things the tech world is predicting. That's where all of your household meters,
appliances, and products communicate constantly with the web. The idea of an
appliance that talks to the cloud, or an app-liance if you will, is supposedly
the next big thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Amazon recently made a move in that
direction with little product-specific stick-on buttons you stick to places
around your house that automatically communicate with your smartphone when
you're out of detergent or toothpaste or milk. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Not sure the milk stick-on would
stick out with all the magnets I currently have on my refrigerator. They may be
high tech, but they're still little buttons with product brandnames on them
that bear an astonishing resemblance to refrigerator magnets. My decor is
eclectic already, I'm not sure festooning the entire house with refrigerator
magnets would be an improvement.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
And really, I don't want my
detergent bottle to remind me to buy a new one. That seems so demeaning and
pitiful. Hanging around at the coffee shop, getting a vibration on my
smartphone, thinking, "Oh cool, someone is texting me." Then finding
out it's my detergent bottle reminding me I haven't yet made my laundry
purchase. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
There's some existential angst.
Talk about feeling friendless and isolated. I only communicate with a detergent
bottle.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
It's like the digital message that
scrawls across the readout area of my microwave. "Enjoy your meal,"
it says. I've always smirked condescendingly. "Meal, huh? It doesn't even
know I only zapped a cup of coffee." The internet of things will change
that. The message will probably read, "Enjoy your coffee, now on sale at
Fred Meyer, shall I order right away?"<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
There's nothing that makes you feel
more pathetic and alienated than being nagged by an appliance. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-14831976572750550992015-05-01T07:43:00.004-07:002015-05-01T07:43:31.915-07:002457 Tech-No<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->Despite what you may have picked up
from these essays, I am not anti-technology. Technology has its place, I'm just
wary of technologies that, under the guise of helping ease our frustrations,
actually supplant our connection with life.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
That said, I'm not so good when it
comes to even old technology. Like I never give my car an oil change. After
all, my oil drips out and I have to replace it. So I figure I'm just constantly
giving it a very slow oil change. One quart at a time.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Likewise my car has one of those
automatic headlight turnoff features if I accidentally leave them on. It takes
about 6 hours. Then my battery is dead for some reason.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
So I shouldn't criticize this company
I saw promoting their services in a video commercial. They apparently provide
cellular phone and data service and the commercial showed all the ways that
could come in handy. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
The bad thing was the final scene
in the ad. They showed a father figure hooking up a tiny projector of some sort
to a smartphone and streaming a movie on the inside of a tent. The tent wall
acted as a screen.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Then the point of view drew back so
you saw the tent from the exterior. The family in question was out camping. It
drew back even further and you could see the glowing tent, glowing because of
the movie playing inside. Sadly, the final scene also showed an incredible
background of trillions of stunning stars in a heartbreakingly beautiful sky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Which the technology-addicted family
inside was completely ignoring. Because you know, we go camping to get away
from it all. And enjoy the wonders of nature. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Or is that technology?
"Nature's boring Dad. Can we stream a movie on our tent?"<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-91079813245804907472015-04-30T10:17:00.004-07:002015-04-30T10:17:41.992-07:002456 Pre-Disconnect<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I worry that our society is
suffering from a vast case of disconnectosis. That's when you use words that
are disconnected from common sense.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Like in one of those emails I got from
a car dealer the other day. Periodically they send out reminders that it's time
to come in and buy a car. I'm okay with that, they don't overload my email
inbox with constant suggestions for buying stuff I just bought because their
algorithm told them too. But the offer they offered me was a little odd. The
subject line said, "Top Pre-Owned Deals of the Month." <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Naturally I wondered. How does one
pre-own a deal? <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
It was classic example of a word
having an original meaning and being modified. A car being a pre-owned vehicle,
using pre-owned as an adjective, and now it's called a "pre-owned" as
a noun. When they use that modification in a different context it makes it
sound like a nonsensical adjective. A pre-owned deal.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Likewise the new term I heard,
"teaser-trailer." The studios and media are calling them that now.
Which is okay in one sense, I've complained for years that calling a film <i>preview</i>
a "trailer" made no sense. It really is a teaser. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
But calling it a teaser-trailer now
seems repetitive. Unless it's a subset of the whole film genre. You have your
film, and you have your trailer (which is actually a preview), and you have
your teaser-trailer, which is actually a teaser of the real trailer they'll put
out before they put out the actual film. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I think I'll just wait for the DVD. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Hey. Maybe I can connect up to a
deal on a pre-owned DVD. One with all those special features, like the formerly
distributed teaser-trailers. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Formerly distributed
teaser-trailers. Are they called pre-runs? <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-88452392018325168542015-04-29T08:50:00.003-07:002015-04-29T08:50:33.487-07:00 2455 Cheater Pan<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->The "smart everything"
revolution, or as I like to call it, the "dumb people" revolution,
has gone out of the fire and into the frying pan.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Literally.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Because the newest in the smart
gadget line-up is none other than a smart frying pan. Don't burn your meals any
longer because you forgot to turn down the heat. Don't screw up a delicate
recipe because you went one degree over or under a crucial simmer or boil
decision. The smart frying pan is for you.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
New York City-based brother-sister
combo Rahul and Prachi Baxi have invented a new product they call SmartyPans.
You know, for your smartypants phone. It's bluetooth-enabled of course, which
is nice since actual teeth will soon be involved in masticating the product of
said SmartyPans. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Also, it will be able to connect
with your smartypants phone to access recipe apps, where you'll be provided
with step-by-step cooking instructions. Because you know, God forbid that you
should read a recipe on a silly old-fashioned piece of paper. You want to put
your expensive extreme-heat sensitive phone right next to the frying pan.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
The pan supposedly warns you if you
need to adjust the temperature and uses built-in sensors to track both the
weight and the temperature of the stuff in the pan. It also uses that data to
track caloric information and can sync with fitness apps to tell you if you're
cooking something that will blow your diet. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Inventor Rahul says it's like GPS
for cooking.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Cool. GPS can get you lost if your
phone's battery runs out. Now you have the chance to go hungry too.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
In a related story, inventors have
come out with a "smart hat." It uses GPS to determine if your head is
still attached to your shoulders.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-29940157320966856312015-04-28T11:03:00.000-07:002015-04-28T11:03:11.595-07:002454 Sports Figures<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->We love our sports. That's a good
thing. I was talking with a friend about it and we concluded that even though
there are a lot more serious things in the world to worry about, we still need
to indulge our sports passion.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
That's natural. Kind of a yin and
yang thing. The world is pretty ugly sometimes. You need to balance yourself
out from the onslaught of bad news.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
That's why it's so sad when you
hear bad sports stories. Players involved in murders, or scandals. What was
supposed to balance out the sad has now become the sad. What's a karma
equalizer to do?<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I read a little factoid that puts
the whole thing in some sort of perspective. Americans spent about $9 billion
illegally gambling on the NCAA Tournament this year. The tournament where not
one original bracket survived the 3rd round. That's $9 billion lost by my
reckoning. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
That's some bad sports news. But
hey, here's the good. That was significantly more than the $3.7 billion spent
to influence the 2014 midterm elections. So at least we're willing to gamble on
our sports figures more than we're willing to gamble on our elected officials.
Because that's what campaign contributions are in the larger scheme of things.
Money down on your horse to win the race.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Then again, the March Madness money
was bet by 12.6% of our nation's population. Only 0.2 percent of our fellow
Americans actually made contributions to the elections.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
It's obvious sports are more
important to the rank and file. Maybe because we think teams reward us more
often than we think our elected officials do. But maybe <i>that's</i> because
we don't bet <i>enough</i> on candidates. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Really. Why do you think sports has
such high caliber players?<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-23282801601023202612015-04-27T08:46:00.001-07:002015-04-27T08:46:10.255-07:002453 Misappellation<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I've written before about the
tendency to jump to certain conclusions when you hear certain words. Usually
because the words themselves bring up mental associations that lead you down
the bridle path. Like that one. When you hear it, it could mean bridle as in
horses or bridal as in there's a wedding in the future. Which metaphor works in
which context?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>So it was recently when I heard someone say he
was going to throw something straight into the circular file. Or perhaps he was
going to arc it in.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
In any event, it made me wonder, do
we call it a circular file because trashcans are circular? Or do we call it a
circular file because what we normally throw directly into the trash are circulars? <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Another word that got my attention
was the new flavor Starbucks is offering. It's called Veranda. Is it really so
important to Starbucks to have Italian-sounding names that they're now naming
drinks after parts of a house or yard? Yeah, I'll have the Portico please, and
I'll need room. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Great. Room for your room. Can I
have a Tall Lanai please; I'm expecting some basketball players later on. Call
me old-fashioned, but I guess I'm just not that up for ordering a drink that's
named after a porch.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Finally, I heard that TV has a
competition called the Cupcake Wars. I'm told it's a cooking contest. Though I
suppose it could be clowns dueling it out with something other than pies. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I'm just thinking it sounds weird.
The words cupcake and wars do not go together. Like a soufflé skirmish. Or a
marzipan mêlée. Too much soft for too much hard. Like creampuff combat. Or the
Battle of Big Cotton Candy.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Best viewed while snacking on
grapes of wrath.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-51181431951363581162015-04-24T09:15:00.001-07:002015-04-24T09:15:09.147-07:002452 Administrative Earth Day<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->If you like holidays, April had a
great one in store for you this year. On Wednesday, April 22nd there was a rare
calendrical twofer. Earth Day and Administrative Professionals Day fell on the
same day. Hallmark had to scramble to print up the cards.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Roses are red, violets are blue,<br />
Dash off a letter, Earth Day's for
you.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
By the way, not to be color anal
retentive or anything, but aren't violets actually violet? Seems to me violet is
on the purple end of the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple rainbow
thingie.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Of course Administrative Professionals
do way more than dash off letters. That's why they renamed the day from it's
original appellation, Secretary's Day. The term secretary was seen as somehow
demeaning. You know, like the Secretary of Commerce or the Secretary of
Defense. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I don't know though, maybe certain
office holders would rather be called the Administrative Professional of State. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
But this combo date was great. Especially
if you're the Secretary of the Interior. Think of the budget enhancement
possibilities. Or even better if you want to run a cost efficient business and
have an administrative professional who is also a tree-hugger. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
That would be a good thing. At least
if you want to use less paper. A conscientious environmentally conscious
administrative professional would put the E in Eco, making sure that just about
every document was an e-document. Electronically insuring they cut down fewer
trees just to print off reams of meaningless paperwork. And putting more green
in your pocket. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
So whether you're an eco-filing
clerk or the bookkeeper for Greenpeace, this day was for you.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Roses they are pretty red, at least
all that I have seen,<br />
And they won't be brown and dead,
if we keep the planet green.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it.
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-58461255652233634492015-04-23T08:47:00.001-07:002015-04-23T08:47:53.730-07:002451 Polled Apart<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I like reading those polls that
various organizations do. Mostly because they're little windows into our
culture. Or at least the culture of folks that answer polls. Having rarely
taken the time to take a poll, and even more, actively avoided those instant
polls that pop up in the flashing margins of internet surfing, I'm not sure any
poll I read about afterwards has any validity whatsoever to the common person.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Or disturbingly, maybe it does.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Here are some I found worthy of
note.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Only 38% of Americans approve of
Obama's handling of Israel and only 37% approve of Netanyahu's handing of
relations with the US. Disapproval, one piece of common ground they share. I'm
sure peace isn't far behind. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Speaking of disapproval, another US
poll showed that Canada is the foreign nation we like best, scoring 92%
favorability. Actually when poll respondents were asked how they would grade
Canada, most replied, "Eh?"<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Great Britain and France were second
and third with 90% and 82%. Which I suppose makes sense, Britain being our most
consistent ally and France being the home of not just wine but the originator
of our fries. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
North Korea scored lowest, with
only 9% favorability. My first thought was, "Great, look how low they
are." My second thought was, "They still polled 9%?" How can
they have nearly one out of ten people like them? Is this the percentage of
Americans who never ever ever read the news? Or does Dennis Rodman have that many
followers still? <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
This final poll may offer a clue.
49% of Americans think that standardized testing in schools has done more harm
than good. 20% said it has done more good than harm. 31% aren't sure. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Actually, it turns out 31% said,
"Is this a test?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-22147587383964235662015-04-22T09:02:00.003-07:002015-04-22T09:02:50.294-07:002450 Grass Trimmer<br />
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<![endif]-->Sometimes things just sound funny.
On the face of it there's a level of normalcy, but because of the inherent
concepts behind the words you just get a little hiccup in your brain waves.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Like the job I heard about the
other day. Bud Trimmer. If you've known a lot of people in your life nicknamed
Bud, you know what I mean. It's like a very, very specific barber. Talk about
niche employment.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
"Yeah, we got your Bud trimmer
here, and your Buster trimmer in the second chair. The third chair is the guy
that does Hey You. He's for walk-ins."<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
The bud trimmer job is actually for
marijuana groomers. It's their task to trim the tiny lower-in-THC leaves away
from the premium bud. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Must be fun sorting the work in the
morning. "Hey Smitty, I got mine picked out already, so this bud's for
you."<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Bud trimmers can start out at $15
an hour and have the opportunity of working up to higher paid jobs in the
industry such as gardeners or concentrate makers. The job itself is low stress
and amounts to wielding a small pair of scissors and meticulously trimming away
tiny things that stick out. So if you're a poodle groomer, or OCD and always
using cuticle shears to trim away dangling threads, mustache hairs, or
hangnails, this is the job for you. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
There must be a shortage, because
various marijuana processing employers are advertising to fill the positions. I
don't know about you but I'm thinking those bonsai tree people would be a great
labor pool. Just to fill the enormous amount of time between tiny tree
trimming.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Apply today. This is a very crucial
part of the process for providing excellent quality. Otherwise the product will
go to pot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-92034119944566624042015-04-21T09:18:00.001-07:002015-04-21T09:18:22.019-07:002449 Namey Stuff<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->Names, names, names. They mean so
much, and help lead us in some many unexpected directions.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Like the other day. My friend Ron
and I were talking about his inability to find .22 caliber bullets. "Too
bad you can't get those online," I said.<br />
<br />
"Not possible," he
replied.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
"What?" I said.
"There's no such thing as Ammo-zon dot com?"<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
He laughed. "That
would be great. They could even deliver it using drones."<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
We thought we had the next big
thing idea there for a bit, but like most good ideas, a search of the interweb
showed someone else had already thought of it. Oh well.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Another name someone else had
already thought of was on this sign I saw. It kind of reflects our changing ideas
about things. It was a sign over a wrecking yard. You know the places, also
called pick-a-parts and pick-and-pulls and junkyards. Loaded with derelict
autos in various stages of fluid dripping cannibalization.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
This place summed up the new
"going green" ethos. It's not environmental blight and rusting junk
anymore. Because the place was named Auto Recycling. Yeah! Eco-Excellent. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Although auto recycling does sound
a little like a reposted selfie.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Finally, I saw an advertisement for
a new product from Cheerios that seems to indicate they're making another push
away from being a children's cereal and into the sophisticated healthy grains
adult market.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Their new product is named Cheerios
Ancient Grains. Which is good, I suppose, as it invokes a dollop of the paleo
craze with a dusting of foodie respect for indigenous eats. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
But I have a little cognitive
disconnect. Which is the new name for confusion. Because I looked at a box at
the supermarket. Does it seem right that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ancient</i>
Grains Cheerios has a freshness date?<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
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<![endif]-->Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-42760861990807089222015-04-20T07:11:00.003-07:002015-04-20T07:11:31.872-07:002448 Whisker Pickin's<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I went to a local supermarket
recently and was struck by a number of things I found odd.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
One thing was a little hanger
hanging from one of those aisle hooks they have in supermarkets. You know the
ones, you'll be going down the nut and cracker aisle and there'll be a little
hook on one side holding out a quantity of scouring pads, or mini-egg whiskers,
or something totally unrelated to the merchandise close by.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
This thing was called a "Nana
Hanger." Wow, I thought, poor grandma. Or perhaps poor babysitter, because
I couldn't for the life of me figure out what else something called a
"Nana" hanger would do, except perhaps lynch a pesky mother-in-law.
Turns out it was for hanging <i>ba</i>-nanas. To keep them up and away from
other ethylene-producing fruit so they don't ripen so quickly. And go black in
a <i>nano</i>second.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Later I found myself accidentally
wandering down the petfood aisle because I was looking for a can of tuna and
was drawn in by the shapes of the containers. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
There I saw an odd catfood product.
It was called "Whisker Lickin's." Ewww. I can't imagine that sounds
appetizing to any animal, much less a picky eating pussy cat. Whisker lickin's.
Like slurping off the dried crustules on my mustache from that last fancy
cupcake I ate with the frosting piled so high. Or the giant muffin I ate from
Costco.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Final odd thing was the peanut butter making
machine they had, where you could grind your own nuts to extrude peanut butter.
Good, except the last person that ground and extruded his left a big peanut
butter goober hanging out of the spigot of the machine. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Looked like a larger version of my
whisker lickin's from a peanut butter and banana sandwich.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-49526992304722465442015-04-17T07:13:00.002-07:002015-04-17T07:13:21.061-07:002447 In a Glaze<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I like that folks are so
resourceful when it comes to naming days. I don't just mean Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or specially named
holidays like Christmas or New Years. Or fun ones like Mardi Gras or April
Fools Day. Or even Hallmark Holidays like Mothers Day and Grandparents Day.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Always interesting that mothers and
fathers get a whole day to themselves but grandparents have to share a day. I
guess there aren't enough of them left to generate sufficient sales to redo a
whole section of the store.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
No, I mean days that give you good
ideas, like International Talk Like a Pirate Day or National Coffee Cake Day.
Or the one I heard about on April 6th, Plan Your Own Epitaph Day.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
What a great do-it-yourself thing
to do. People talk all the time about making pre-funeral arrangements.
Dispassionately and coldly deciding whether to be buried or cremated. What plot
you want to finish the story of your life. Why not the words you want on your
tombstone, or read at your funeral?<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I already know what mine is. I'd
like my funeral to have pictures of all the wonderful times and family trips we
had together with all my kids and all my divorced wives and have a big banner
over the top that says: "It seemed like a good idea at the time." <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Then I'd like to be cremated. But
here's the cool thing: Afterwards I'd like part of my ashes used to make a
ceramic creation. Like they did with Mt. St. Helens ash when it blew. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I could be both the cremains and
the vessel used to hold them. Talk about a metaphor for my self-sufficient
life. Be your own urn. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
That would really make my day. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-33423860112937237132015-04-16T08:36:00.002-07:002015-04-16T08:36:27.447-07:002446 Unpleasant Name<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I like that our world both revolves
and evolves. It's like traveling down an old street you used to go to when you
were a kid and seeing it completely transformed by new curbs and sidewalks and
modern houses.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
On the one hand it's progress. Gone
are the weeds and the trash on the gravelly pot-holed verge. On the other hand
it's totally strange and unfamiliar. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I thought about that the other day
when I passed a road sign that said, "26th Avenue." Because it also
had one of those extra road signs attached underneath it that said,
"Formerly Pleasant Glade Road." <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Was this just a visible evolution
of the naming process or something else? <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I'm not sure why cities change
names and yet still post the old ones like that. Is it to help old people find
their way around? Piloting their ancient and giant Oldsmobile Delta 88s without
benefit of GPS, how are they going to know where they are if you suddenly
change a street name on them?<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Perhaps it's because the
municipality wants to invoke an air of history. The gravitas a community needs
to help its branding and identity. "Sure we were just incorporated in
1999, but look, we had really old roads way before then."<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Or it could be that 26th Avenue sounds
more modern. After all, the Frenchy sounding "avenue" is so much more
sophisticated than a dirty old "road." <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Or there may be another reason. A
perhaps more insidious one. It could be that 26th avenue now has so much
development there aren't any trees along it like there were in its primitive
condition. So it doesn't make sense to call it Pleasant Glade Road.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Because there's no longer a
pleasant glade anywhere close. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-3745964552778185002015-04-15T10:02:00.002-07:002015-04-15T10:02:22.023-07:002445 Quick Confusions <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->Words can be challenging sometimes.
And deceptive. And confusing. I'm glad I'm not an immigrant trying to learn the
language.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Take that guy Don Quixote. The
fictional figure, not the immigrant. The one that was also known as the Man of
La Mancha. He was the classic model for the sort of person who tilts at
windmills and slays imaginary dragons. The knight errant who errors in his
judgment of things that are attainable. Who fights the unbeatable foe, and goes
where others dare not go, and dreams the impossible dream. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
You know, Quixotic.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Why do we pronounce his name
Quixote with the "kee" and the "oh" sound, but pronounce
his actions with the "quicks" sound, as if they're a bowl of Trix?
Kee-oh-tic is certainly sayable. Or even Don Quicks-oh-tee.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
But no. We have to go confuse
people to the quick for no reason whatsoever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Another confusion. I wondered why
they keep calling the wife of Prince William Kate Middleton. Isn't she Princess
Kate now? Or at least Mrs. Tudor or whatever the royals' last name is?<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I looked it up. Her last name would
be Mountbatten-Windsor, so I guess I understand the press's reluctance to use
it. Hyphens are in short supply and Mrs. Mountbatten-Windsor gets a lot of ink. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Another confusion. Because by
"ink" I mean printing in the newspapers, not princess tattoos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
The world moves on the meanings of
words sometimes and shifts them underfoot so we slip on them. Like I
was driving by one of those E-cig Vape places the other day and their sign
said, "We have the latest Vaporizers available at the best prices!"<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I wonder how many grannies are
going in looking for a deal on an inexpensive machine to steam up their Vicks
Vapo-rub. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-65189351958056136762015-04-14T08:44:00.001-07:002015-04-14T08:44:08.146-07:002444 Washingday<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->One Wednesday a friend and I called
it "hump day." My friend had spent some time in Germany and, as I had
taken some German classes, we discussed how the practical German language
referred to Wednesday as Mittwoch. That translates quite nicely into midweek.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
The word Wednesday, it turns out,
is from Norse origins. It's a permutation of Wodansday. Wodan being the king of
all Norse gods. Interestingly, he's not the only Norse god in our weekly
line-up.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
There's also Tuesday, which comes
from the Old English Tiw, spelled T-i-w-. But which originally came from the
Norse god Tyr. Tyr was a one-handed god associated with exhausting single
combat. Maybe that's why we use the term tired to say we're worn out.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Thursday comes from the Norse god
Thor. He of thunder-flinging, hammer-wielding, and Marvel Comics fame. I think
for some reason he's also the patron god of carpenters.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Friday comes from the Norse god
Freya. It was also the name for Venus in the Scandinavian languages. She was
the Nordic goddess of beauty and love, and the origin of the phrase,
"Thank Goddess it's Friday."<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Sunday we revert to English, but it
was Sonntag in German, which was Sunnudagr in Norse. Any way it's named after
the sun.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Monday and moon day likewise. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Odd that while many of our English
words come from our German origins, suddenly when it comes to days of the week
we revert to the language of Vikings.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Even weirder that on Saturday we
completely shift gears. Saturday is named after the Roman god Saturn. He was the
father of Jupiter, the king of the gods in the Roman pantheon. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Perhaps it's because the Norse word
for Saturday is laugerdagr, which means, literally, washing day.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Guess the Vikings could be
practical too. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-17468723653909919942015-04-13T08:51:00.005-07:002015-04-13T08:51:52.943-07:002443 Hoedown<br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->Every now and then a word will come
up in conversation and I'll stop to think about it because it sounds a little
funny. Like the word hoedown. Where the heck did that word come from?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
On my way to the internet to check
it out, various possibilities danced through my thoughts. Did its origins
involve some sort of gardening or farming implement? Is it related to
hootenanny in some way? <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I remember the Hootenanny show on
TV when I was a young folk. Like many of those shows of the era it led to
similar productions. In this case Shindig, if I recall. Odd because
"Shindig" sounds quite painful to the leg. And "Hootenanny"
calls to mind an owlish babysitter. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Both of them were more folk than
country music even though the word hootenanny definitely has a country folk
feel to it. Like yee-haw and hoop-de-doo. Phrases you expect some chaw chewing
rangy fellah to shout out when a good-looking cow wanders into the pasture.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
So hoedown seemed like it was of
similar origins. The wiki-net said something not far off. It was first a
particular folk dance, and then it became synonymous with a dancefest
generally. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
As far as what the dance looked
like, the infoweb was not as forthcoming, although it did offer comparisons to
other dances from the era, saying it was most likely related to a jig, reel or
clog dance. Somehow I never would have pictured a hoedown being similar to a
clog dance.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
A hoedown was also a dance with a
succession of dancers trying to outdo each other for dancing supremacy. Like a
breakdance competition perhaps, or the Brooklyn boogie-ers from Saturday Night
Fever.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Sadly, nowhere did there appear to
be any garden hoes involved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-29163212790940137592015-04-10T07:09:00.001-07:002015-04-10T07:09:21.486-07:002442 Misrepresented<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I'm worried we may be on the brink
of a communications disaster. Caused by a seemingly innocuous thing. We may be
about to have a text-o-pocalypse because of, you guessed it, misinterpreted
emojis.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
If you are uninitiated, emojis are
those little distorted happy faces you can add to your messages when you text
on your smartphone. They are not emoticons. Emoticons are when you manipulate
symbols on your keyboard to make approximations of faces or expressions. Like a
colon and an end parenthesis can make a smiley face. Or a semicolon a winking
smiley face.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Emoticons are fairly
straightforward and hard to miscommunicate, as keyboard entries are universal.
Emojis, I have only recently learned to my consternation, are different
depending on your phone's manufacturer. They're even different between Facebook
and your phone. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I had a friend send me a text from
her Samsung smartphone. According to her dropdown list and the emoji itself,
she also sent a "smirk." When I received it, my Blackberry
interpreted the "smirk" picture as a "huh" picture. The
emoji I saw was a face with a question mark coming out of its head. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I know it's not world shattering
but there's a big difference between a knowing smirk and a clueless huh. Who
knows what other emoji mismatches are out there? Texting is a dicey way of
communicating anyhow, as subtle nuances of meaning get lost in the terseness.
Do we want to now add outright misrepresentation of emoji faces? <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Her phone is Korean. Mine is
Canadian. Emojis were originally Japanese. Write your congressperson now. It's
obvious we need a universal emoji standard. If not, I think we're going to
stress quite a few relationships. Leading people to feel lost, and hurt, and
out of control.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
They'll be having an emoji-nal
breakdown.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-30293937774024033642015-04-09T09:10:00.002-07:002015-04-09T09:11:57.579-07:002441 Ex-asperating<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->Allow me a pet peeve if you will.
It's the word, or I suppose more accurately the phrase, "et cetera."
You know. The thing we abbreviate e-t-c-period.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Et cetera is Latin for "and
the rest," and is what we say when there are more examples of things we
could use to illustrate a point but really don't want to go to the effort to do
so, or there are too many to do so, or we know full well our readers or
listeners are going to get bored if we do so, et cetera.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
My peeve? It is not pronounced
"<i>ex</i> cetera." Unless of course you are talking about a boring
list of my ex-wives.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Now I know there are regional
variations of certain words. And I particularly know that one's upbringing
contributes to how we pronounce things. But the other night I was completely
appalled by a woman who was the keynote speaker to a large group using said
inexcusable rendition of <i>et</i> cetera.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Maybe it was because the woman in
question took great pains to inform the audience members how she had 3 ---
count 'em 3 --- Masters degrees and a PhD as well. At what point, I wondered,
in that vast vaunted amount of education did she not see or hear the correct
pronunciation of et cetera?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I suspect it was her putting on
airs about her educational achievement that put me on edge. I like to think I'm
a pretty easygoing guy languagewise. Language is a living thing and stuffy
grammarians often desiccate the world around them with their dry, sterile, and
intolerant pontifications. For shizzle.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
But if you spend a lot of time
bragging about your education, you better be sure you're prepared to use it
with wisdom, knowledge, competence, et cetera.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>America, ya gotta love it.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-24847700051129659262015-04-08T08:23:00.004-07:002015-04-08T08:23:40.888-07:002440 Director's Cut<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->A couple of tag ends today.
Leftovers from other ideas I wrote about but couldn't squeeze into earlier
essays because time was too short. Mental clips from the editing room floor.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Yep, this is America Ya Gotta Love
it, the director's cut.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
One of the ideas had to do with an
essay I did recently on tipping. How we tend to tip more at coffee bars because
a real 18% tip for a $2.29 drink is just 41 cents and that seems a little cheapskatey. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
But the other thing about tipping
in a coffee bar is they have conditioned us to tip <i>before</i> we actually
get the drink. Which I think is odd. Because a tip should be conditional. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
I was brought up to believe a tip
was an extra reward for exceptional service, not an obligation to pay because
an employer chose to make his employees exist on slave wages. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
There's another director's cut.
Slave wages. Meant to mean really low wages. But, of course, slaves make no
wages at all. Because they are, um, slaves.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Anyhow, if you pay the tip first
it's more demeaning to both parties. Demeaning to the payer because he's forced
to fork over whether his coffee drink has a perfect leafy thing poured into his
foam or not. And demeaning to the barista because it's more like a bribe, or
even worse, like the coin paid to the organ grinder monkey to make him dance.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Another cut. Recently I mentioned a
weird ingredient listed in Starbuck's coconut milk: "Coconut water
concentrate." How does one concentrate water? Somehow make water less
watery? If they meant less of the coconut part, why not say coconut solids? <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Perhaps the coconut water
concentrate contains shards of ice.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Cutting indeed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-11051051105439734042015-04-07T08:48:00.001-07:002015-04-07T08:48:03.947-07:002439 Coconutty<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I was in a Starbucks recently and
noticed a huge sign proclaiming they were now offering drinks made with Coconut
Milk made exclusively from Sumatran Coconuts. Naturally I was intrigued. Or as
it turned out, unnaturally.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
The intrigue was because I didn't
know whether there was something special about Sumatran coconuts. I figured
there must be because Starbucks was making such a big deal about it. Were
Sumatran coconuts more eco-friendly? Hard to believe, if they were transporting
the milk all the way from Sumatra. Lotsa jet fuel involved...<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Were the Sumatran coconuts full of
more milk, with less pesticides, and harvested with sustainable,
non-monoculture, coconut forestry techniques? Not so much. Did they take better
care of their laborers? Hard to verify.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
As it turns out, most of these
points were virtually moot anyhow, since Starbucks coconut milk has just a tiny
amount of actual coconut milk, wherever it came from. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
The ingredients list lists the
first and primary ingredient as water. Then coconut cream, cane sugar,
tricalcium phosphate, coconut water concentrate, natural flavors, sea salt,
carrageenan, gellan gum, corn dextrin, xanthan gum, and guar gum.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
All I can say is, for a product
whose major purpose is to avoid the allergens of milk or soy, Starbucks sure
put in a lot of questionable additives. As much as non-dairy creamer.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Carrageenan, particularly, is known
to cause gut inflammation and distress not unlike the allergic reactions
coconut milk is meant to prevent. And with the addition of three, count 'em
three, gums -- gellan, xanthan and guar -- you'd think the product was
manufactured by Wrigley.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
But the nutty thing is, or perhaps
I should say coconutty thing: I wouldn't have even checked if Starbucks had
just had a small subtle sign saying, "coconut milk now available." <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Coco cuckoo. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-41229257055749680012015-04-06T07:19:00.001-07:002015-04-06T07:19:04.868-07:002438 Communication Breakdown<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->As I reflect on the many ways we
have to communicate these days I can't help but wonder if it's actually
progress.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Take tweeting and texting. I guess
I understand texting. Many times phone service is sketchy and you have no
choice if you want a message to get through without dropouts or garble. Many is
the miscommunication and subsequent crisis that has come from a broken up
cellphone conversation.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
It's like cellphones are the 60s
come back to haunt us. "Turn on. Tune in. Drop out." And that drop
out thing is just plain crazy, dude.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
But texting has its own problems.
Among them that people are generally poor writers and can't get their ideas
across without, if not miscommunicating, badly communicating. Although certain
text shorthand thingies, like using the two letters u-r- to refer to both
y-o-u-'-r-e- and y-o-u-r- are quite good at side-stepping the whole grammar and
usage issue.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Twitter is even worse, as it adds a
certain narcissism to the whole process. All my followers want to hear about me
and my thoughts. In badly written English. And a terse snarky undertone. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Not to mention Twitter bullying,
the only recently banned Twitter revenge porn, Twitter hoaxes and associated
Twerrible Twaits of humanity enhanced by the Twitterverse. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Good news though, Twitter can now
show your exact location when you post something. It's supposed to be only for
those you allow, but if it's there, you know there's someone to hack it --
advertiser or government spy organization. This is going to play hell with the
Twitter revolutionaries who've twitted up protest flashmobs and exposed stories
from overseas oppressors. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Thanks Twitter. For letting my
Twitter big brother know exactly where I am. And for taking the next step in
modern communication: Twitter surveillance. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Ah progress...<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12319155.post-42224595104380584352015-04-03T08:41:00.002-07:002015-04-03T08:41:30.875-07:002437 Phone Home<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->Recently I got a telephone call at
home. On my brand spanking new, bell and whistle encrusted, smartypants phone
that can do so much. I can even expand the size of the font on the text
function. (I guess since it's on a phone you should call it phont.)<br />
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I can also get good audio quality
FM radio on it. What I can't get is good quality phone coverage.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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The call was something of an
emergency, and as I struggled to communicate, I went outside to get better
reception. It was pouring rain. So here I am with an expensive phone, soaked
and freezing to death, standing in the rain out at the end of my driveway,
trying to resolve a minor emergency. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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I wonder if there's an app for
pneumonia. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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Here's the thing. All my neighbors
are in the same boat. Many's the time we encounter each other out in our yards
yelling into our phones. It's like the new party line, but with echoes bouncing
off the landscaping.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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I thought, what we all need to add
to that landscaping is a little kiosk or phone pergola. My friend Kris
recommended a different solution. Bring back the phone booth.<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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Excellent idea. Forget that our
houses are already wired for an old-fashioned reliable phone thingy that plugs
into the wall and gets excellent reception. Let's all build a fake phone booth in
our front yard. Plant a rhody next to it. Some perennials. Trick it up. A dry
place we could get less bad reception and not stand out in the rain. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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Sure it's like were going back in
time, but why not? Just make it look like a Tardis. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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I wonder if my homeowners'
association would allow it? <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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I'll give 'em a call. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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America, ya gotta love it. <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
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Funny Guy on the Prowlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16211938862730872826noreply@blogger.com0