#1150 Exclusion Claws

I wrote recently about a county commission deciding to exempt horses from pooper-scooper laws. They did it for a specific reason; it was easier for a horse owner not to have to get off her high horse and scoop poop. In a word, it was solely for the pet owner’s benefit.
So it was interesting that another pet benefit news article appeared at almost the same time. Seems the Berkeley, California, City Council has voted to ban the de-clawing of cats. According to one councilmember, “It’s a complex and painful procedure and solely for the benefit of the owner.”
We have one government body doing something solely for the benefit of the owner and another forbidding something because it’s solely for the benefit of the owner. Is this a great country or what?
So...If I really wanted to have my cat de-clawed would it be possible for me to smuggle it to San Francisco and find a willing vet there? Would the Berkeley City Council prosecute me for intercity transport for inhumane purposes? Would they ever know? Will they be sending out cats-paw inspection teams, dedicated to ferreting out clandestine cat de-clawers?
Now, I admit, de-clawing is something no self-respecting cat would want. I had a friend who used to joke that he saved all kinds of furniture destruction issues that leaving cats alone at home sometimes cause with their claws. He just had his cat’s rear claws de-clawed. Then when he left the house, he’d hang his cat by its front claws on the screen door...
Another thought; is not having a cat spayed or neutered a complex painful procedure solely for the benefit of the owner? Do you think any strutting tomcat likes the idea of losing his catnads to the clippers? Talk about cat nip.
It’s the nature of the pet/master relationship that some things have to give. Pet owners provide food and shelter. In return, a modicum of respect for furniture is desirable. And if the cat persists in clawing the antiques, well, surgical techniques are in order.
Unless you live in Berkeley. Where there are lots of scratched davenports.
And presumably, plenty of legally consistent stray kittens.
America, ya gotta love it.

#1149 Horse Excluded

My basic take on life? Fair is fair. If you have a law about something, rein in the impulse to make exceptions.
The story: The elected officials of Broward County Florida have waived their pooper-scooper law for horses. The commissioners apparently agreed with Horse Owner Wanetta Dyer when she told them: “To stop a 1000 pound animal, get off, and hold it while you try to put poop in a bag is just not a good idea.”
True. It must be really hard to pooper scoop a horse. But does that mean you are exempt from a sanitation and social law that applies to everyone else?
If I’m jogging down the public roadway, I’m more likely to be upset if I jog through five pounds of horse appledge than if I squinch my toes through a 2-ounce tootsie of shih-tzu poo.
But the shih-tzu and the horse owners are equally responsible in my eyes. Because it comes to this, if the owners are using the public roads they are responsible to the public for cleaning up after themselves. I’m not exempt from littering laws because I dumped an old refrigerator instead of a plastic cup, nor am I exempt because it’s harder to stop my old Chevy Biscayne than it is for you to stop your hybrid.
I once lived near an arena. It bothered me to no end when horse owners from out of town would park their trailers and take their horses for a stroll to distribute horse feces through our neighborhood.
I say nay to the horse getting rid of processed hay as they neigh through our neigh-borhood.
And what’s this largeness defense anyhow? Just because a horse is big you should be exempt from picking up their even larger amount of poo? So if I had an elephant and dumped a load of elephant dung near city hall would the commissioners be equally forgiving? You know... getting off an elephant and trying to hold it...
I suggest Broward County require those horse diapers like they have in New York City.
Or, hey, if the horse owners don’t want to scoop, they can always stay off the public roads.
America, ya gotta love it.

#1148 Road Hard

Have you noticed the Michelin Man lately? They’ve totally given him a makeover. I always thought he was a lot like the Stay Puft marshmallow man and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. The word roly-poly comes to mind.
Sure, he had more convolutions than the Pillsbury doughperson but he was essentially cut from the same cartoonish mold—a larger midsection and the apple-shaped physique physicians tell us is most likely headed for a cardiac infarction.
But now he’s starting to look more like the Marvel Comics character The Thing. Which is kind of funny in an automotive way. Because The Thing used to be a Volkswagen car model from Germany and Michelin tires are from Germany’s former arch-enemy France.
Anyhow, the Michelin Man’s spare tires have morphed from the gelatinous balloon-like fat rolls to the harder ridges of muscularity. The Michelin Man is cut. He looks like he’s been working out.
Maybe he’s even been doing some road work.
“All weather Michelins, road hard, and you can still put ‘em away wet.”
I saw one rendition of the Michelin Man with chains the other day and I thought, “Oh my goodness, they’re going for the biker crowd too.” And then I realized it was an ad for winter driving conditions. They were tire chains.
But I think it’s fun that advertisers are starting to be conscious of healthier role models when it comes to our brand name spokes-symbols. I imagine we’ll see similar trim downs from Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben.
Personally, I think Uncle Ben should broaden his cultural perspective as well. Maybe a little Uncle Ben Kashi. Or if seven grains are too much, just a simple Uncle Ben’s Bismati.
And Aunt Jemini needs to come up with a nice steamed broccoli crepe.
But Mrs. Butterworth will be a tough one for the heart healthy makeover. She is the absolute icon of the consumption of sugar and butter. Slimming her down to even modest Betty Crocker proportions may cause an indulgence backlash.
That said, I see great things ahead for revamping all of our product culture representatives.
And I’ll never tire of saying that it was Michelin who got it all rolling...
America, ya gotta love it.