#341 Konfounding

America craves variety. It’s as if we’ve got on this “next new thing” whirligig and we’re spiraling out of control. The coffee shops were the beginning of the end. Before them people took their variety in stride. Every now and then Lucky Charms would introduce a new marshmallow shape or Trix would get a new color but for the most part, except for the Chevy model of the week, Americans were content with a boring 3 or 4 choices for every product. Then came Starbucks. And between lattes in four sizes, extra shots, soy, whip, and whatnot the compulsive variet-izer was born. Macciatos, frappacinos, crapaccinos, they all went down the drains of our faddish mouths like so much cheez wiz—which, by the way, now comes in spicy, jack and the ubiquitous ranch. Want a sell something food-ular? Just add ranch. So why am I not surprised that they’re dinkin with water. Water is available in any number of bottle shapes but the Summers Eve shape seems to be favored the most. A slightly rippled like a Michelin Man midriff top, a smooth area for the label and a stout indented bottom. Every type of spring, brook, or glacier-fed stream reference in the names. Costco and Western Family too. Why pay more? It’s all bottled in the same industrial facility. Presumably built over a clear mountain spring. But that wasn’t good enough. Now there’s Propel. Propel offers something different from just plain water. It’s water with vitamins. That’s right, taking a page from the Wonder Bread helps build strong bodies 12 ways with added vitamins that we originally stripped out, Propel now adds vitamins to water. You’re not just hydrated; you’re supplementing your diet. Is this a great country or what? And the cool thing is you don’t have to put up with all that added sugar and, um, flavor that something as last week as Gatorade has. You’re a 21st Century fitness buff. You’ve got vitamin water. But surprise, surprise, vitamins are not totally inert. So the fitness water has to mask its taste and it does so by adding flavor. The one is my hand is berry flavor and now that I look at it more closely I see—What’s this? Propel is made by Gatorade! And as I look at the ingredients I see that although the big print says Fitness Water the fine print says Vitamin Enhanced Water Beverage and the even finer print lists the ingredients as water, sucrose syrup (another of the many names for sugar) citric acid, natural flavors, sodium citrate (salt) potassium citrate (other salts) sucralose (artificial sugar), vitamin C, vitamin E, Vitamin B3, EDTA (a chemical preservative), vitamins B-5,6 and 12. It also says, refrigerate after opening. You know, that, um, water can spoil. So basically, Gatorade has doubled their profit by changing the label and selling you Gatorade that they’ve diluted by watering it down with water. Oh yeah, and they put it in a healthy blue plastic bottle.
America, ya gotta love it.