#336 Kinetic emetic

So the other day I was confronted with a new energy drink. Energy drinks are the newest in a long ling of drinkable products that American ingenuity foists upon our orally obsessed populace. This one contained the three important “ines.”—Taurine, Glutomine, Caffeine. Oh ho, I think I found the energy. That is the key to all of these supposed energy drinks of course, not their Vitamin B complex or amino acids, it’s their caffeine—in mega-doses. This energy drink was called Mercury. Okay. Mercury, you may remember, is the messenger god. Known for his quickness and his shifting and volatile nature, Mercury was the go to god whenever any one wanted something done or delivered. Mercury, or quicksilver, is also a versatile element. It’s the only metal that is liquid at room temperature and is used in everything from supposedly silver fillings to thermometers. It’s also incredibly toxic. It’s what hat makers used to use in the formation of felt hats back around the time of Alice in Wonderland, and was the origin of the stereotype of the “mad hatter.” I remember playing with drops of mercury on my hand in science class. Fortunately, I never got any brain damage from it. The lunatic was in the hall and when the band I was in started playing different tunes, I was out of there. The problem is that most of today’s youth are not up on the mythological classics and also that most of today’s youth have heard about the evil, toxic, and environmentally destructive effects of the element mercury. There’s been all the brouhaha in the news about schools spending beaucoup bucks having to retrofit mercury-infested thermostats. So one the face of it, an energy drink that is trying to brand itself with the 18-24 demographic may be in for an uphill battle. Because that same demographic has been exposed to far more negative press about the harmful effects of the element mercury than the beneficial buzz of Mercury the Roman God. Drinking mercury just doesn’t seem like a good idea. Of course that same youth has been exposed to all sorts of negative media blitzing about the evil effects of tobacco, booze, marijuana, and meth but it hasn’t seemed to have had much impact. So maybe I’m wrong here, maybe identifying yourself with something toxic or disgusting is exactly the way to brand with today’s youth. Maybe we’ll have an energy drink called “dog puke” sometime soon or “possum pee.” And really, the colors of these things just don’t look that appetizing. Your choices are asparagus urine yellow, hummingbird feeder red or Windex blue. And, oh yeah, there’s some sort of grayish, tea-brown shade that looks like someone backwashed chaw juice into a water glass. Which is close to one other use of Mercury in the old days. As an emetic. It was used to induce vomiting. Now there’s a niche market, an energy drink for bulimics.
America, ya gotta love it.