#73 Side Effects

I once went to see a lecture by a noted science fiction author. He pointed out that the euphemism “side effect” was exactly that. If I take a drug to cure a headache and it also thins my blood, we say the blood-thinning is a side effect because it wasn’t intended. But if I take a drug to thin my blood and lower my risk of heart attack and that same drug happens to cure my headache, then the side effect is the headache cure, right? The drug actually exists, by the way, it’s called aspirin. Truth is, all of a drug’s effects are effects of taking the drug, whether we want them or not.
Which brings me to a corollary of the law of effects and side effects: The law of cascading side effects. Or perhaps I should call it the theory of cumulative side effects. Let’s say I got drunk. The next morning I have a hangover. A hangover is a “side effect” of getting drunk. I take an aspirin to cure the headache and my stomach bleeds. The stomach bleeding is a “side effect” of taking the aspirin. I take an ulcer medication to cure the stomach bleeding, the ulcer medication causes diarrhea. I get dehydrated from the diarrhea so I have to have a vodka tonic. And so on, and so on, and Scooby dooby dooby.
Say I’m depressed. Not really clinically depressed. Maybe I’m depressed because the Yankees beat the Mariners, or my dog died. Or maybe I’m simply feeling down because it’s two o’clock in the afternoon and my psycho-chemicals are rebounding from all that caffeine I drank like a good Americano this morning. Nonetheless, I hear so much about depression in TV commercials that I’m convinced its chronic and persistent nature—everyday at 2:00, Mariners are always losing—indicates it’s the real thing, and tomorrow maybe I won’t be able to get out of bed. I tell one of my doctors at the HMO. He just got a load of “Happy-Zac” from one of the giant drug companies and he tells me to try a handful. I do, but I develop some bloating and heartburn. Back at the HMO my PA suggests a new drug for acid reflux, which I dutifully take, but hey, then for no apparent reason my joints start to ache. Back to Doctor One, who informs me that the other drug mega-giant has a new arthritis pill using Coxx inhibitors that knocks that pain right out, and it does, except now I start to get this little fluttering sensation in my chest and then one day it feels like someone is stepping on my heart. Back at the HMO again where Doctor Two, who is filling in for Doctor One and the PA, who are filling out a foursome at the drug rep’s golf tournament, deduces my problem may be high blood pressure. He suggests I take another drug to control my cholesterol, but be sure to let him know if my muscles start to ache cause that’s a side effect that could indicate my liver is failing. Liver failure? That’s what my dog died of.
Now I am depressed.
America, ya gotta love it.