#65 Junkspam

The biggest move in advertising these days is the attempt to advertise just to you. That’s right you, I’m talking to you. Broadcast advertising has only one effective medium left, the one you, and I mean you, are currently listening to. Radio has always had the benefit of being closer to a person than any other ad medium. We talk before we read, so print ads always have that extra layer of impersonality that’s hard to remove. Every layer makes the wall between advertiser and advertisee just a little thicker. TV? It’s true its images are lively, but they’re across the room, and nothing can ever be as lively or as personal as your own imagination. You know the feeling. You’ve read a book, they’ve finally put it on the screen, and all the characters look and sound wrong because they’re not like you imagined.
All of which explains why supermarkets are all getting into line to offer rewards cards, club cards and frequent shopper cards. That and computers that use them to spy on everything you buy. Rewards cards pay you money because the megacorp-megamarket saves that money on advertising. They no longer have to send a junk mail—excuse me—direct mail piece to anybody and everybody. They can send one directly to you, the shopper they already have; that’s already been proven to be a megacorp-megamarket shopper because you have their card. On one note that’s positive. I’m always complaining about cutting down trees to make junk mail. But I still don’t like the idea of mailbox spam, whether it comes from my megamart or not. Here’s an idea: Give me a freaking coupon next time I come in. Have your happy-dappy greeter slip me a 50% off on “mac and cheese” while he’s offering me a cart. Save the stamp and pay him a living wage.
Likewise, make the power companies and the bankcard companies stop stuffing my bill envelopes with offers to buy everything from real cubic zirconium to timeshares in Rwanda. There’s nothing I hate more than having to paw through four pages of extraneous nonsense just so I can find something I don’t want to pay anyhow. And stop adding gosh-darn extra flappage to the return envelope too. I don’t want to have to rip off an ad for a cheesy tennis bracelet just so I can get room for my tongue to do its appropriate licking and sealing. And really, what are the chances I’m going to buy a piece of jewelry, sight unseen, because I saw an ad for it on the flap of my garbage bill for pete’s sake?
I admit it. Sales and advertising can be tough some times. I know lots of salesman that kid themselves they’re out there selling when they’re just BS-ing with people they already know. But really, you can’t keep fishing in the same pond forever. There’s a big difference between treating your existing customers well to cement their loyalty and squeezing them till the turnip screams. Preaching to the choir may be more fun, but it’s the sinners that need the message. Send them some freaking junk mail.
America, ya gotta love it.