Tuesday, September 30, 2014

2318 Potted Pet

I recently emceed a Pet Day event. Americans have a love affair with pets and it seems to be good for them. Numerous studies have shown that the presence of pets can be beneficial to the psyches of pet owners. Or in the case of cats, pet co-residents.

But that's just another example of my pet peeve: chauvinistic animalism. The tendency to be prejudiced in favor of just one branch of the tree of life, the animal kingdom. What about plants? 

Oh sure, you can't take them for a walk, or get them to roll over or fetch. Or even get them to give you a feline sneer as they walk away to rub their scent glands on a delicate piece of furniture. 

But many a bachelor without the time to devote to an animal pet knows moments spent talking to his plants can be therapeutic. The weekly process of watering and dead leaf picking feels like pet-like grooming behavior.

So, can you pet a plant or can a plant be a pet? Maybe. At least English and Dutch researchers recently identified and confirmed a pet-like psychic connection. 

They found indisputably, scientifically, and even statistically, that workers in offices that have even a few leafy plants are 15% more productive than workers in plant-free workplaces. 

15%! Amazing! That kind of increase in productivity should have Warren Buffet buying up the philodendron industry. Invest now in high yield Dieffenbachia. Potted Palms for impressive profits.  Chia Pets stock surging to new highs.

Garden centers across the nation are welcoming the news. Paving the path to productivity with the new green revolution.  A 15% increase in worker output, all for the price of a fern. 

Let's hope it's real news. And not some pseudo-scientific factoid the nursery industry planted. 

America, ya gotta love it. 

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