#31 Get the Lead Out

I’m listening to the TV the other night—my kids have left it on—and this news guy starts talking about a government program to help disadvantaged people get the lead out. Great idea, I thought. Exercise will benefit them. Health care costs will go down and productivity will go up. And then I look at the video and they’re showing pictures of a guy in a lab coat and filter mask scraping paint for the walls of this old house. Oh, I grin sheepishly to myself—I think they call grinning sheepishly to yourself a cha-grin—that kind of “get the lead out.”
Turns out the gov’ment is worried because too much lead exposure can cause brain damage and learning disabilities in our young folks. And older—and poorer—houses are often painted in old-fashioned lead-based paint. (That’s the kind that lasts forever and doesn’t flake off when your kid bounces that flashlight battery he uses for a teething toy against it.) Lead pipes are the cause of the downfall of Roman civilization some archeologists say, not to mention Colonel Mustard’s demise in the conservatory. So, periodically, people get a hair up their social conscience to see that ceramic glaze from Mexico, toys from the orient, and fishing weights don’t make their way into the mouths of babes.
But the gov’ment says it’s also possible to fight back with your diet: A child who gets enough iron and calcium will absorb less lead. Foods rich in iron include eggs, red meats, and beans, and dairy products are high in calcium. The gov’ment also reminds you not to store food or liquid in lead crystal glassware or imported or old pottery. And if you reuse old plastic bags to store or carry food, keep the printing on the outside of the bag. So the message is: if you have lead paint on your walls, eat eggs, meat, and milk—and don’t lick the freaking walls.
I’m reminded of my generation. Raised in the fifties. Back then we thought nothing of loading our teeth with mercury amalgam fillings, or twisting lead solder with our tongues to impress our friends on the playground. We used to dig old bullets out of the gravel pit where all the yahoos went to shoot and spit them at each other. And of course there was the old-fashioned toothpaste tube. You remember. The one that stayed rolled up when you actually did squeeze the tube from the bottom. Before these all-plastic monstrosities that come unrolled so easy you spend all morning getting out the last glob then have to do the same thing the next day. Lead-based toothpaste tubes. Those were the days, dude. And it didn’t hurt our brains none. Still. Maybe that’s one reason we liked heavy metal music so much. Hmmm. 50’s toothpaste tubes and 60’s Black Sabbath. Ozzie and Harriet telling us to brush our teeth and Ozzy Osborne using his to bite a bat. Nope. No brain damage here. Anybody get the license plate of that Led Zeppelin? America, ya gotta love it.