#22 Results May Vary

I’m watching a commercial on TV, and after this great pitch for the product, and its implied claims for fixing whatever it was that I needed to think was ailing me, they said those three magic words that every commercial from here to Madison avenue thinks it’s necessary to say these days: “Results may vary.”
Now there’s a perfect disclaimer. Much better than “product shown not actual size,” and far less menacing than the ubiquitous warning on every new device and/or piece of furniture from the discount and big box stores: “Some assembly required.”
By the way, if you want to do something funny sometime, do what I did once. As a joke, I sent odd-sized pieces of glass and fishing line to my relatives for Christmas and included a little badly-typed note on cheesy Chinese paper that said, “some assembly required.” I called them up after Christmas and asked how they liked the wind chimes I sent. You know, it's funny, they all said they liked them just fine. Hmm.
Anyhow, we live in the land of inconsistency and cop-out. “Results may vary” they say. Seems like a quality control issue to me. I mean, if you’re trying to sell me that new expensive flea spray for my suffering dog, I want a little more reassurance when I fork over the big bucks than “results may vary.” That’s okay for a bottle of cheap perfume, or a 99¢ bottle of fuel additive. But when someone charges me a bunch of money for something, I want “results” dang it, not “results may vary.”
Where is the responsibility?! It’s like those offers we’re always getting from the fast food chains: Only a dollar for a chicken sandwich, or breakfast biscuits for 99¢. Then the announcer says, “Prices may vary” or “offer not available in some areas.” Look. I figure if your offer isn’t available in some areas, then find out where the heck those are and don’t offer it to those areas. Don’t dangle it out then yank it back. That’s cruel man. This is supposed to be a kinder and gentler compassionate corporate America. And if it says the biscuit is 99¢ and that’s the whole pitch, it ought to be against the law to say “prices may vary.” It’s either 99¢ or it isn’t. That’s the point of the whole exercise. Tell you what, if it’s worth my time to drive down to your happy little restaurant chain and burn up three dollars worth of gas while I wait in your drive-thru then I damn well better get a biscuit for 99¢. Or I’m gonna have me a talk with a certain clown. And I guarantee the results won’t vary.
America, ya gotta love it.