#26 The Tide is High

So I’m convinced that the old chestnut about the more things are different the more they stay the same is the truest truism on the planet. The tides change but the ocean stays the same. With the changing tide comes a new signal that America is shifting away from the simplistic to the complex. And by changing tide I mean not the ocean but the detergent—Tide. After decades of concentrating and consolidating laundry detergent into its most simple and pure form, the all-in-one, all-purpose, all-temperature, enzyme-enhanced, hyphenated wonder powder that every hurried housewife, and laundry-challenged harried house husband needs, Tide is now moving the other way. Forward into the past.
Tide now offers “choices” when it comes to its detergent. Because in our 21st century espresso-driven culture it’s all about choices. Forget for a moment that no matter what you feed the dog it still looks about the same on the other end. 21st century culture is concentrating on the front end of the process. Lattes and cappuccinos and frappaccinos and machiatos and double-short lactose-free soy skinnys are LIFE man. So what if buying one or two a day means Walmart every weekend.
I digress. Tide is still, at least concentrated. A wonder of the modern age is that the cleaning power of a ten-pound box can now be found in a 12-ounce container. Makes me wonder what it was that went into our waste stream and polluted our aquifers all those years that we don’t need in the laundry soap today.
Today’s Tides include the following bewildering array of choices. Most are available in either liquid of powder forms. Once you’ve decided on the chassis, then it’s on to the bells and whistles. There’s Tide Coldwater, Tide with Bleach, Tide with Bleach alternative, Tide HE (High Efficiency), and Tide with a touch of Downey—the machiato of the laundry world. Then you need to choose from scents in each of the above. They include (scents subject to change without notice, results and prices may vary, not available in all areas), Tide Clean Breeze, Tide Mountain Spring (phosphate free I’m guessing), Tide Tropical Clean (Hey who threw a mango in the wash?), Tide Classic (oh yes), and Tide Free, the unscented scent which has zero per-scent. For the gadget inclined Tide also offers Tide Kick (a little prewash thingie), Tide Stainbrush, (a tube with a brush on the end to scrub away stubborn stains) and Tide Buzz, an electrical stain busting tool with rotating brush and get this—sonic waves—made by, I’m not kidding, Black and Decker.
The other end of that dog is looking better all the time.
America, ya gotta love it.