#23 Trans-n-dental

Those of you out there still honoring the dead Adkins with a plate of steak and eggs every morning will be happy to know that this essay contains no carbohydrates. Or “0 carbs” as they say. Nope, today we’re going to talk about fat. Specifically, a new fat that has made its way onto the dietary guidelines panel of all our favorite junk foods, namely, trans fat. Funny how you never see these dietary guideline panels on an apple, or a bunch of broccoli. All the ink and science is reserved for helping us make healthy choices in junk food. Perhaps the relative term “healthier” is more appropriate. As in, eating a hot fudge sunday is healthier than eating two hot fudge sundaes.
I was eating some Doritos the other day—black pepper jack flavor by the way. In case you’re wondering, it’s a combination of black pepper and pepperjack cheese, not some Cajun version of pepperjack. Mmmm, blackened pepperjack: Bam! On the top right corner of the bag were emblazoned the mysterious words: “0 grams trans fat.” I confess, at first I thought it said trains; and I couldn’t figure how fat that came on a train was different then the stuff that came on a truck, and, you know, stupid mind-wandering stuff like that. So I flipped over the bag to the nutrition panel and confirmed that this fine new Frito-Lay ticket to cardiac oblivion did indeed contain 0 grams of trans fat. Seemed a little pointless to mention it, if you know what I mean. It also contained 0 grams of fried chicken livers, 0 grams of steer manure and 0 grams of nostril hairs shorn from a propeller-damaged manatee, but who the heck cares.
Nonetheless I put down my bag of death munchies and retired to the computer room where I googled the term “trans fat.” Turns out trans fat is made when manufacturers add hydrogen to vegetable oil—a process called hydrogenation. Hydrogenation increases the shelf life and flavor stability of foods containing these fats. Also, like saturated fat and dietary cholesterol, trans fat raises the LDL cholesterol that increases your risk for CHD. (That’s coronary heart disease.) So the stuff that makes your margarine hard does the same thing to your coronary arteries. Nature works in mysterious ways.
Fresh knowledge bursting in my brain, I ran back to my bag of Doritos and scanned the nutrition panel. No trans fat all right, but one serving has total fat of 7 grams, 11% of my daily allowance, 1 gram of which is saturated fat. That’s 6% of my daily allowance. Out of a total of 150 calories, 70 are from fat. Like I said, healthier, not healthy.
Oh yeah, that’s per serving. Which is 12 chips. I had just eaten about 30. Chips. A quick mental calculation confirmed the worst. I could have not only had 0 grams of trans fat, but 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of total fat and 0 calories, if I had only eaten Zero Doritos.
America, ya gotta love it.