#24 Spas-Attack

So I’m driving down the road the other day and I see something that flashes me back to the nineties. Oh no, I say, another trend busting through the soil of American culture and getting ready to flower like a dandelion. Back in the nineties all sorts of new cultural paradigm shifts swept the nation. The sea changes were happening so often the darn place smelled like low tide all the time. Sugared cereals were suddenly honey-coated. Sugar Pops became honey-coated puffed wheat. Granola bars were just emerging from the dank, smelly soil of hippie-dom to emerge as the newer, cleaner, and yes, hipper, “energy bar.” No longer could you just need a shower and smell bad and eat granola. You could work out and need a shower and smell bad and eat granola. Round about that time canopies made their architectural debut as a cheap option to make an old square building look new and streamlined. Ten Years later, any drive down any downtown street will show you it’s become painfully apparent why canopies were so cheap. I haven’t seen so much sagging and fading since my high school reunion.
Those of you that follow food fads will also recall that it was in the nineties that American culinary consciousness changed as noodles morphed into pasta. Even though we had yet to use the word morph.
So it was with great consternation that I viewed the cleared lot and “coming soon” sign that proclaimed the advent of a new business on a street not far from me, and I’m guessing not far from you either. The sign said: “Coming Soon, Springfield Auto Spa. “Lord have mercy” as my grandma would have said or “shizzle my minizzle” in the current parlance.
An Auto Spa. The age of the carwash is passed. The age of the Auto Spa is upon us. I can see it now: First, our hands-on technicians bathe your auto in luxury foam fender and body wash. Then we guide it through our wondrous 25 jet agitating tunnel of churning warm pulsating fluids. Our massaging genuine boar’s hair brushes then gently exfoliate the dust and grime from the pores of your shapely automobile. Afterwards, there’s a light cool rinse to help tone your personal transportation device’s complexion and then it’s off to the hot wax area and a vigorous buffing with fine European loofahs. You spend a lot of time in your automobile. It never complains. It’s an extension of you. Shouldn’t you treat it like you treat yourself? Springfield Auto Spa. Turn your vehicle over to our loving attendants today. And come into our salon area for a latte or cappuccino while you wait. You—and your car—will be glad you did.
Remember, you heard it here first.
America, ya gotta love it.