#29 It’s Only Words

We seem to shy away from saying what we mean these days. We don’t say “ashes” when we talk about what’s left after a cremation. The new pseudo-word in vogue amongst morticians—excuse me, funeral directors—is cremains. Cremains for gosh sake. Sounds like something I should be putting in my coffee. Exfoliate is another of my favorites. Scrubbing isn’t good enough. Scrubbing off dead skin is even worse. No, we exfoliate. I feel like I’m a freaking plant. When I have a boil growing on my forehead am I budding?
I was at my health club—excuse me, gym—the other day and I noticed a new product. I now assume it’s a new supplement to increase my muscle mass. Steroid-free of course. And I’m hoping with none of the side-effects of creatine. Muscles are great but I hear many creatine supplements are made with bovine spongiform tissue so Mad Cow disease is an outside possibility. From Raging Bull to Mad Cow. How the exercise industry has changed.
Anyhow, they call the product Muscle Milk. Now I’m not sure if the product is milk-based, like a latte, and then additives are swirled in it, or if it’s a steak that’s just been pureed to the consistency of a vanilla shake. But my first thought was, it sounded like they were squeezing some weird fluid out of someone’s biceps. Yuck. Product naming can be a delicate business.
“Hey, like a glass of muscle milk?”
“No thanks, I got a liter of blood in my Nalgene bottle.”
Finally, I was reading an article about how despite the Horatio Alger rags-to-riches myth, very few people ever move up a class in their quest for the brass ring of the American dream. Most of us settle for a nickel...ring. Some of us just a nipple ring. The article concluded that the best way to wealth was actually the way most of Horatio Alger’s characters made it, marrying the boss’s daughter. In the course of the article, the reporter talked about poor people. He didn’t use the word “poor” though. Too twentieth century. He couldn’t go straight to the point. No, he had to walk around the verbal block first. He used the phrase: “people of negative wealth.” Sheesh.
I once thought Donald Trump’s show “The Apprentice” was a reflection of how much negativity we have in our culture; the submerged anger that makes people yell out a growly “YEAH!” when Trump snarls out his patented phrase: “You’re Fired.” Now I think it’s something else. Americans are just tired of everyone beating around the bush all the time. “Your’e Fired” awakens that respect in all of us for someone who just says what he means. No pussy-footing around. Don’t tell me it’s time I found a place where my skill sets can be put to better use. Say You’re Fired, damn it. Can me. And let me get on with my life.
America, ya gotta love it.