Tuesday, November 18, 2014

2353 Rat Raise

The election results came in and once again the American voter has spoken. Wall Street is in a frenzy as they scurry about like rats in search of the big cheese. Which is harder to find, as this year's election is a maze of conflicting signals.

On the one hand voters voted for Republicans with a resounding yes. On the other, they told Republicans that they wanted some very non-traditionally Republican things. They wanted more gun control, legalized marijuana, and higher minimum wages. 

So good news Wall Street, science has some help. Because who is better at being in the rat race of finding the cheese than rats themselves?

That's right, rats. Researchers found that rats pick the winners on the stock market better than the best fund managers.

Former financial adviser Michael Marcovici trained rats to listen to tickertape movements and press colored buttons to buy or sell orders. If they called the market right they were fed. Sounds like a good incentive. In the larger sense human stock market traders get fed with multi-hundred thousand dollar salaries. 

But if the rats picked wrong, they were given a small electric shock. And that really seemed to boost performance. A second generation of the best traders crossbred from the first did even better. Marcovici hopes to breed rat hedge fund traders soon. 

So I'm just saying... If we get the rats to pick our 401-K mutual funds, and lay off the expensive managers, there'll be enough money to raise the minimum wage, so people can afford more "consumables."

Bonus, no one would ever worry that rats are too big to fail. 

Or, we could give human stock traders electric shocks when they screw up and lose our nest eggs.

Let's put that on the next ballot. 

America, ya gotta love it. 

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