#457 Divertisement

American culture is sometimes like a dead cat so mangy even the crows won’t pick at it. I was fortunate enough to receive a food gift at Christmas time. And doubly fortunate that it wasn’t perishable. It nice to get stuff that’s in sealed containers and has enough of a shelf life to take me past groundhogs day. And this was it was a Hickory Farms gift pack. Oh boy, I thought, as I’m sure did the thoughtful sender, Hickory farms smoked meat and cheeses. Tasty delicacies to snack on at the bowl of the super Sabbath—no trademark violated or implied. The one I got even had a kookie catchy name for its special assortment. It was called Ham-A-Rama. Which at first reminded me of the Hamma Hamma river on the Olympic Peninsula. But them when I said name Ham-A-Rama out loud it invoked the vision of a World Wide Wrestling event of some sort. Turns out the term Ham-A-Rama was less an advertisement than a divert-isement. It was meant to divert consumers from the reality of the foodstuffs arrayed so nicely in their bumpy green plastic molded nest. The first cheese that drew my eye was the Hickory Farms Havarti, or so it proclaimed in the boldest type. My one and three-quarters readers revealed the next line, which muttered, “pasteurized process cheese spread havarti type flavor.” Uh oh. From there it was, pasteurized process cheese spread with natural smoke flavor, pasteurized process cheese spread with onion, and a pasteurized process cheese spread called simply, “Cheddy”. I began to sense a theme. And interesting that the only cheese that proclaimed anything natural bragged about “natural” smoke flavor. Mmm boy, don’t want any of that artificial smoke. Heck no, were out at Hickory Farms all night long holding our pasteurized process cheese spread over a real fire. There were also some interesting little things nestled in the bottom of the box. They were called Hickory Farms smoked flavor “chubs.” Which were also, you guessed it, pasteurized process cheese spread, but with just “smoke” flavor and not “natural smoke” flavor. They were shaped like the classic Hickory Farms summer sausage, in that functional and somewhat Freudian shape that has that oh-so-appetizing name: the chub. Pass me a chub, Myrtle, I’ve got a hankering for Hickory Farms. The gift pack was rounded out with a classic triangular tin of ham, in a convenient 8-ounce mini-me size and the even more classic aforementioned original recipe summer sausage chub. Which had hickory smoke flavoring added. Apparently it’s more difficult to hold chubs over the fire than processed cheese spread. As I looked at the labels further I noticed that every flavor of processed cheese spread started with cheddar. I guess the original Hickory Farms is still there, they’ve just got more clever with rendering. The wheel turns, whether its life...or cheese.
America, ya gotta love it