#451 Do Not

So it goes without saying that I’m a student of American culture. I like it when I see people challenge other people in subtle ways to see if they’re thinking. Like this lady whose car I saw the other day. She got me for a moment. She was driving a 2006 Volvo and it had a Dukakis for President bumper sticker. It took a little while to register. Dukakis ran for president way before 2006. And no one could even own a 2006 car period when the last election took place. Or possibly, the duke is gonna strap on his helmet, free Willie Horton and run again in 2008. Oh well, if I ever need to feel hopeful I can always turn to science. Like the scientist who recently came up with a method to caffeinate baked goods. Actually, his breakthrough was to develop caffeine that doesn’t leave a bitter taste. The adding-it-to-baked-goods is just a clever marketing tool. Saying you made a bitterless caffeine doesn’t real grab one. Saying you made a caffeinated doughnut screams wacky headline all across the media. Which it did. Every news service had stories on the breakthrough in doughnut technology. Jokes about one stop cop shops and college students cramming crullers while cramming for exams abounded. Krispy Kreme, the new corporate paradigm doughnut darling from a few years back, managed to get stale footage on the air of their fabulous jillion doughnut conveyor belts. Everyone wanted to talk about the hot doughnut. The frankenmeal of Red Bull and bearclaw in one product. Monster maple bars. Rock Star jelly rolls¾with sprinkles. Energy drink and sloth food rolled into one tantalizing pastry. Look for Starbucks to open up on every corner formerly owned by Dunkin Donuts. Bye bye biscotti, hello frappacino fritter. But that product, for all its breakthrough technology doesn’t hold a candle to another recent piece of American ingenuity. And if it did hold a candle to it there wouldn’t be any danger. Cause the new product is designed to neutralize that most obnoxious of human traits, flatulence. A company by the name of Under-Tec has unveiled a new line of “gas-eater” underpants. The airtight design and implanted charcoal filters allow the wearer to break wind without bystanders noticing. Blind deaf bystanders that is. I’m pretty sure the sub-woofin unders don’t come with sound baffles, so the only flatulence you’re saved embarrassment from are SBDs, and SBDs have always been tough to trace anyhow. Unless you’re in an intimate one on one couple situation and there’s no dog around. Personally I wonder if Under-Tec has solved the Depends syndrome. The crinkly giveaway noise one associates with adult diapers. Not to mention the extra bulk in the pants department. Woe to the incontinent that gets a playful pat on the derriere from a blue-haired hottie at the nursing home. Still, these undereaters could come in handy next time you have a caffeinated whole bean doughnut.
America, ya gotta love it