#449 Fairview

My colonoscopy experience continued shortly after I was exposed to the flatating fellow patient. A nurse pushed the gurney I was on into the procedure room. The doctor was at his computer like the Wizard of Oz at his special effects desk and he looked up and asked how I was doing. I told him fine and if it was all the same to him, I was curious and would like to stay awake for the procedure. He said okay, we’ll just sedate you less, if it gets uncomfortable, we can always put you under. He then had me roll over onto my side and positioned one of the monitors so I would have a fair view of the proceedings. After the nurse slipped some light narcotics into my IV we were ready to proceed. Again, every effort was made to insure my dignity. The sedation nurse stayed on my side of the bed and the only nurse who was treated to a view of my derriere was his direct assistant. The actual deployment of the proctoscope was done by the doctor. I felt a little unusual sensation up my backside and then the view of my colon opened up on the screen like a bad version of Fantastic Voyage. Alas, no Raquel Welch in a tight white jumpsuit. Ah, I said to myself, inner peace. I’m finally gonna know myself inside and out The doctor asked what I thought and I said f-ass-cinating. He traveled pretty quickly on the way in. Having never driven this stretch of road, I was a little disoriented at first. Plus I could feel a cramping sensation when he blew in puffs of air to expand the colon in front of the camera. When we reached the end, he backed up much more slowly. Then as we journeyed in reverse through my colon he commented on some of the landmarks, the opening to the appendix, the cecum, where the small intestine connects, then back through to the rectum. I must admit, one of the drawbacks of being able to watch was my tendency to want to take control. I don’t know how many times I almost said, turn left here. Hold it, what’s that? No stop! Talk about a back seat driver. Back seat is right. In any event, we didn’t find one polyp. Not one. The doc had said in his pre-procedure interview that if he saw any he’d snip them on the spot and biopsy them later. And frankly, skeptic that I am with all things medical, one of the reasons I wanted to stay awake was to be there if and when such a polyp reared its ugly head. I didn’t want my bill to include a bunch of fantasy polyps harvested into my doc’s 401K. At the end the doc pulled out the scope, told me to roll over, and congratulated me on my great colon. I thanked him, and resisted the urge to shake hands. He looked a little tuckered. The Wizard of Oz persona was gone and he looked a lot more human. Proctologists are usually pretty optimistic people; after all, they spend their whole life looking up, but I’m sure that at the end of the day, they’re looking for a light at the end of the tunnel just like everyone else.
America ya gotta love it.