#447 Far In

I’m doing my best to describe the fun side of colonoscopies, because too many people avoid them. They are intimidated by the prospect. Through ignorance, they think it might be incredibly painful or worse, embarrassing. In fact, the doctors and nurses make every effort to make one feel protected and keep one’s exposure discreet. I have to say, during the entire process, the word that best describes all the personnel is polite. It’s kind of an interesting juxtaposition, everyone being incredibly polite while they place a tube with a camera on it deep up your backside. In any event, the process begins many days in advance. After your initial interview with the doctor one of his nurses gives a matter of fact and detailed analysis of what is to come and what your part will be in “making your colonoscopy experience as pleasant as possible.” That begins with modifying your diet and preparing your colon for viewing and inspection. The best way to do that is to make sure your bowel is clean. So beginning about the fifth day before the procedure, you are supposed to stop eating fibrous foods. Fiber, while apparently good as a normal colon cleanser, leaves matter, um, behind. This includes carrots, apples, nuts, and whole grains—which form a large part of my diet. “So you’re telling me,” I said to the nurse, “that I should start eating at McDonalds?” “Yep,” she said, “that stuff leaves nothing behind after the laxative.” “Certainly not any damaging nutrients,” I muttered, the prospect of the laxative figuring high in the horror stories I’d heard from friends. They gave me a little calendar checklist of instructions. But, guy like, I didn’t actually read it, so I ate carrots up till two days before the procedure and had nuts the night my starvation began. Starting two nights before the procedure, they ask you to consume at least 8 cups of liquid a day (which is like 3 beers.) Then it’s starvation time. From midnight on the day before the procedure, you are forbidden solid food. Clear liquids are the regimen, but that includes coffee, teas, jello, Gatorade, popsicles, broth, and I was pretty sure beer. As long as it’s not red. Apparently some red dyes leave traces in the colon which confuse the doctor into thinking it’s blood or polyps. Some red, may be okay but it’s easier to forbid all red than provide a detailed list no one will read. So no red beer. At about 6pm, now that you’re supposedly empty, you take your first dose of laxatives. Depending on the quickness of your particular system, a gastric geyser will shortly erupt from your back forty. Let’s just say it’s a miracle. Okay, it may not be wine but you feel like doing so. The 3 cups of water you took with your laxative suddenly changes into three gallons out of your gut. Now here is my most fundamental instruction. Planning where you are when the laxative hits is crucial. Never, I repeat never, has an exit strategy been more important.
America ya gotta love it.