#445 Fed I.D. Theft

Recently I had to get a passport. I was leaving the country and even though it was only Mexico, the federal government in its infinite wisdom has decided all Americans traveling abroad should now have appropriate documentation. Correction. All Americans flying abroad. If you are traveling on land the rules are, as they say, emerging. The deadline for passport land traffic is maybe in 2009. This is founded on the well-known principle that terrorists are all wealthy jet set individuals that prefer airplane travel in their international wanderings to blow themselves up. 40 beautiful virgins or 40 white grapes in the afterlife are no incentive like a first class upgrade now. I for one am ready to wreak untold damage on the powers that be if only I don’t have to pay for a crappy meal in coach. That was a joke FBI. The passport foot traveler rules give credence to the notion that Homeland Security believes there isn’t a porous border with Mexico, there are no illegal aliens, and Elvis is actually the living Santa Claus. My own passport ordeal began at the post office, where I was instructed by a very helpful individual. He provided me with appropriate forms and told me if I needed my passport before eight weeks the federal government was prepared to accommodate me for a slight extra fee—around 60 dollars. As I was headed to Mexico in the use of this passport and as I had heard tales of how in Mexico if you wanted something done you greased the palms of the appropriate local official, this slimy federally-mandated graft seemed ironic. You are an American citizen of the United States of equal opportunity for all Americans, sir. And in order to get you a passport to prove that status we are ready to push you to the head of the line over all your peers if you are ready to offer a little extra financial inducement for our department of loyal civil servants. Money talks, everybody else into the slow line. Hmm. The post office had nothing to do with it but next Christmas maybe if you want to get to the head of the package shipping line you can wave a couple of extra bucks at the clerk behind the counter. Anyhow, I got all the paperwork done, had some dashing photos taken at Costco, then took them and my birth certificate back to the post office. “It’ll be 2 to 4 weeks,” the guy said “and you’ll get it all in the mail.” “Um,” I said “my passport and my birth certificate in the mail? Aren’t you worried about I.D. theft?” “Oh that doesn’t happen very often,” he said. “Can I have it come here for pickup?” “Only if we change the address on your passport to general delivery.” Just what I need, a passport that identifies me as a transient. I like this new Homeland Security. Passports and birth certificates sent together in the mail. Non-passported people walking across the border. Lucky there aren’t really that many people willing to blow themselves up.
America ya gotta love it.