#446 F-ass-cinating

I recently got a colonoscopy. In the interests of pubic awareness, I’d like to share some of the fascinating aspects of this amazing procedure. Now on the face of it, the prospect of having someone ram a tube and shine a light where the sun don’t shine seems a little daunting. And the price is one best bourn by an insurance company looking to avoid even higher costs if your neglect to do so leads to something like colon cancer. Colon cancer is a big killer, right up there at the top of cancer killers, and right up there at the top of causes of death overall. Yet in the last couple of years, there has been a decline in cancer deaths and much of that is attributable to far fewer deaths from colon cancer because of early colon screening. So as Katie Couric told America, colonoscopies are good things. And it’s a fun word to say. Colonoscopy. Sounds like something they could have some kind of Muppet do on Sesame Street. As one wag put it to his colonoscopy doctor, “Hmm, now I know how a Muppet feels.” The procedure starts out with a pre-interview with your Doctor. In-ter-view is appropriate since in-ter-view is what you’re going to get. He goes over your possible risks and side effects and informs you that in the course of the colonoscopy, if he does detect any polyps, he will harvest them at that time, biopsy them later and determine if they are malignant. Malignant is right. I’m not sure I grasp the concept of a benign polyp. The only polyps I’m prepared to deal with are a family matter, as my sister is married to someone named Paul and he has lips. This is also the time for you to check out your physician. This is, after all, the explorer that’s going where no man has gone before and believe me you’d much rather he have thinner fingers than phaser-clutching Captain Kirk. My gastroenterologist was a nice guy. He had the quiet competent demeanor of a professional bartender, a person who has spent his whole career dealing with a-holes. The doc said that I would need to follow a dietary regimen in the period preceding my procedure that would prepare my bowel for viewing. It’s interesting that he used the word “procedure” in such a matter of fact tone, to describe what many ancient human beings would consider to be the ultimate in bodily violation. I can see Og and Grog now, discussing the need for such a procedure. Og showing Grog a hollow branch and the somewhat personal point of access for same. And Grog afterwards being the first person in history with that erect posture and snippy attitude that makes people think he’s got a stick up his—ask me no questions I’ll tell you no lies. The other interesting thing about the conversation was the way we were discussing my bowel as if it were now an object in its own right. Like a work of art being dusted off in a museum, we were preparing my bowel for viewing. Yee Haw boys, we’re gussie-ing up my gut.
America ya gotta love it.