#199 Butt-line

Now that the new non-smoking law has passed in Washington, businesses all over are seeking ways to make it possible for their patrons to smoke and still be patrons. A lot of the local coffee shops are hardest hit. And by coffee shops I don’t mean espresso bars, I mean the old-fashioned coffee shop, once also called a café, where people would go in for lunch, dinner and an after-the-bars-close 3am breakfast. All accompanied by prodigious quantities of coffee, food, and cigarettes.
These poor places, along with the neighborhood taverns, are hardest hit. For one thing, they’re having to train their hostess staff to not ask: smoking or non-smoking? And to be honest, most ex-smokers are hyper-sensitive even to smoke residue, so it would be better for the hostess to say: “non-smoking or formerly smoking section?”
And of course the biggest problem of all, just like it always is when you commit to a course that’s new and dangerous, is the exit strategy—in this case exacerbated by the odd requirements of the new non-smoking law. Smokers cannot be smoking within twenty-five feet of the entrance of the establishment. Logistically, this is a nightmare. There are bars and restaurants downtown that are so close their entrances are twenty feet from each other. What’s a smoker to do? 25 feet from one place puts you smack dab at the entrance of the next. The only place that’s legal is the middle of the street. And you’ll certainly break some other law getting there. Although I’m not sure if you’re breaking the law if you’re just stationary in the middle of the street. Do they call that jay-standing? Maybe the city would be kind enough to install smoking medians downtown. Smokers could huff over to the traffic islands and imbibe nicotine and auto exhaust in one fell emphysema-inducing inhalation. Oh, and city? Can we cover the medians as well? We don’t want our smoking pariahs to catch pneumonia. Talk about driving up health costs.
As for the rest of the restaurants, I say make a game of it. Mark off each of the twenty five feet with white lines in three directions, 1, 2,5, 20, etc. Then paint an arc. Kind of like the basketball three-point line. The smoking perimeter. Downtown Smoking Brown. Hack a butt and dunk it in the ashcan—conveniently supplied and logo-d by the establishment: “This ashcan provided by Alice’s restaurant.” And the place could have a stack of umbrellas, also logo-d up for maximum advertising effect, right by the door so the smokers could grab one on their way out to the perimeter: “This umbrella thoughtfully provided for our customers’ comfort by Bobby’s bar and grill.” Then the smokers could join hands on the arc and form an unbroken phalanx that non-smokers would have to break through to get into the place. Nah, that would be cruel to the restaurant. They should just blow smoke up their, um, ashes as they go by.
America, ya gotta love it.