#185 Stewing Dogs

Now before you start flooding the station with calls, I want to go on record as saying I’m a dog lover. But by dogs I mean full-size dogs like, say, a beagle on up. Stewing dogs, rotisserie dogs, vibrators, and lap dogs, I can do without. The only thing I want making noise on my lap is a computer. So, having owned up to my antipathy for fun size dogs, what is it about America today that every tenth person has to have a dog in their arms? I hate it like hell when I’m standing there talking to someone and get the holy bejesus scared out of me cause some sorry excuse for a canine comes squiggling out of the crook of their arm. And these people know no shame. In their constant need for a on-demand doggy snuggle they smuggle the little critters into all kinds of places that dogs were once forbidden—High School Basketball games, clothing stores, malls, even Chucky Cheeses. They hide them in their coats or stuff them in a purse. All so they can have their little FiFi at the ready in case they should need to indulge in some positive pet strokes. My question? Who is whose pet? Are these squiggly little stewing dogs in fact the ultimate evolutionary triumph of the canine species?
A fair question. I used to think these little wigglers were despicable—yappy and squirmy and not doggly at all. They couldn’t pull a sled, or chase criminals out of the wrecking yard, much less join in on the hunt and bring down a bison. Oh sure, maybe if the hunt was for a squirrel and the squirrel was caught in a trap, little yippy may come in handy. And if the prey in question needed to be, say, annoyed to death, perhaps the mongrel midget may be of service.
But I was wrong. It’s obvious that these tiny connivers have humans all figured out. For years banned from polite human society, demi-dogs are now encroaching on the domain of the lordly cat—carried from place to place by their rich mistresses, showered with gifts and cute clothing, groomed and pampered to within an inch of their little Caesar life. And, most importantly, hypo-allergenic. With so many humans evolving to the allergic-to-cats phase, an eco-niche for the pampered canine has opened up and in slides the Shitzus and the Pomeranians and the Chihuahuas, the Papillons, and the Yorkshire terriers. So the same trait that first made them attractive to mankind, namely, that they were small enough to fit in a pot, has now catapulted them to the height of fashion. The mavens of fashion have decreed that they are cute and oh so chic. Their helplessness makes them even more doted on and cared for. Living, as it were, in the lap of luxury. Oh the humanity.
America, ya gotta love it.