#15 Seeds of Discontent

So I’m going through my mail the other day, and pitching everything that even remotely resembles junk mail, and I break precedent by not automatically throwing away something that has a Postage-paid permit number in the upper right corner instead of a stamp. Partly, I think, because it’s from my health care insurance company—you never know if you may have some outstanding test results, or maybe everybody’s premium is going down, Ha ha—and partly because I feel some little lump inside the envelope. Only it’s not really an envelope in the classic sense. It’s a folded piece of heavy paper with a gummed seal on the bottom holding the open edges together. My curiosity aroused, I shake the “envelope” and it makes this noise like an anemic rattlesnake. The possibilities quickly run through my brain: miniature maraca? tiny rattle announcing new well-care for babies? clotted anthrax powder? Hmm. Not being a US Senator, and having no interest in fanning the flames of fear now singeing the civil rights of this country, I open up the envelope incautiously, and get nice little paper cut for my efforts. What is revealed inside the envelope is a little packet of seeds. Carrot if it matters. The envelope is now not an envelope but an unfolded piece of heavy paper that in its current configuration looks like a greeting card. The area above the fold says “Happy New Year.” The script in the bottom half next to the seeds says thank you for letting us serve you, and that they appreciate the trust we placed in them (like I had a choice) and then goes on to proclaim their resolution for 2005. I quote: “To sow more seeds for transforming health care—semi-colon—a more sane, compassionate and rational system. We look forward to growing with you in 2005. Sincerely, blah blah blah, CEO, blah blah Health Care Company.” And then lots of white space. I mention the white space because I want you to know that they had lots of room to say more. But chose not to. Notably, they had the choice to put the word “into” into the area occupied by the semi-colon in their not quite grammatically correct plea for sanity in healthcare. Our resolution: To sow more seeds for transforming healthcare into a more sane, compassionate and rational system, reads a lot more unequivocally to me than: Our resolution: To sow more seeds for transforming healthcare; a more sane, compassionate and rational system. I mean, if you mean “into,” say “into.” Type both phrases into your computer and see what grammar-check has to say if you have any doubts. Maybe I’m just a little more sensitive because on my grammar-check I also have BS check. But I was relieved they were just trying to trick me into thinking they were compassionate. At first I’d thought, what with the carrot seeds and all, that they were taking away my vision care.
America, ya gotta love it.