#11 Hallmark Holidaze

As I write this it’s the end of February and the stores are scrambling. Late February is the inter-tidal zone between the last dying gasp of winter gift giving—Valentines Day—and the commercial promise of spring offered by Easter. Unfortunately the date of Easter, which is governed by some arcane blending of pagan fooferaa and early Christian astronomy is none too dependable for shelf stocking purposes. My local Supermarket is a case in point. Two of the seasonal aisles already have Easter candy. Being a fresh candy buff, I can’t see stocking up yet. Peeps, for all their endearing qualities, do have a limited shelf life. And the pink and lavender foil wrapping on the egg-shaped chocolate can only be trusted so far to perform the hermetical sealing necessary for this choco-lytes taste buds.
So I cast about for something more current and what do I spy but the newest in hallmark holiday offerings: St. Patrick’s Day gift ideas. Yep, cards, candy, and notions. Plastic snakes, angry dashboard saints, lucky charms, and a little bit o’ blarney don’t-you-know. Makes me want to whack someone with a shillelagh. There’s a word to choke your spellchecker.
Now call me unsentimental but are we so hard up for excuses to celebrate that we have to elevate a holiday chiefly known for changing the color of beer to national hallmark status? I mean, I like to quaff a few with the best of them, and need I say, some of my best friends are Irish, but a whole section in the supermarket? Why doesn’t a more important event just past merit at least equal attention? Where, pray tell, were the President’s Day cards? I see a vast untapped potential there. Frustrated card writers, looking for a new pool of doggerel, would have the likes of Nixon, Lincoln and Jefferson to rhyme with.

If it’s a warm wind and not a draft
then you can be sure it came from Taft.

To my darling on Prez Day instead of a flower
I’ll tell you the story of Eisenhower.

Stuff like that. I tell you it would give the card and notion industry a shot in the arm at the end of February. And candies too, You could revive the Reagan Jelly Beans, and Chocolate coins with presidents faces on them. This last Prez day it was pretty pathetic. The only thing out was half-priced Valentine merchandise. “Oh, that’s romantic,” said my wife, “Buy your valentine stuff at half-price a year ahead.” “Hey,” I replied, “That is romantic. It means you love her so much you’re certain you’ll still be with her next year.”
She just muttered something about the relationship being as stale as the candy. Ouch.
America, ya gotta love it.