The other day I was getting ready
to do some sort of performance and was unexpectedly stricken by appearance
anxiety.
You know the feeling. A sudden
dread that your hair is messed up, or your zipper unzipped, or you have a large
and unsightly bit of mucus dangling from your nose. "Bat in a cave,"
a friend of mine once called it.
Just then my phone buzzed, and as I
answered it, I caught a glimpse of my reflection off the surface of the
smartphone's screen.
There's an idea, I thought. They do
all kinds of apps for phones. Some very simple. Like the flashlight app that
turns your phone into a blazing torch. Why not a mirror app?
Another part of me seized on the
idea. This could be the big one. I could make a million bucks. How do I make
contact with an app developer that won't rip me off?
It would be simple to do. Somehow
program an alignment or polarization of the pixels in your smartphone screen so
they were all silver and united to form a reflective surface. Then you could
look at your phone and it would be a perfect mirror. Check your nostrils for
snots. Your ears for sprouting hairs. Your hair for seagull poop.
Then I had a negative reflection.
Wait a minute. My phone already has such a function. It's called a back-facing
camera. Flip it on and you see an excellent image of yourself. You can even go
in for close-ups and lowlight enhancement. And make a permanent digital record,
in case you want to prove to your paranoid self you looked fine before you went
on stage.
There go my dreams of riches.
Who needs a mirror when you got a
selfie?
America, ya gotta love it.
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