#476 Squash

Writing about Newt Gingrich yesterday reminded me of something about comedy that I’ve known for sometime. Some words just sound funny. I once did a filmed stand-up bit outside an old shack. The set-up was that this company was looking for a new facility and I was supposed to be helping them find it. We filmed bits in front of all kinds of buildings and made funny remarks about their suitability or lack thereof. So I stood in front of this tiny rundown structure and said “this could work, but it might be a little cramped.” I said it with kind of a squinchy look on my face. My producer said he didn’t like the word “cramped” and wanted me to change it to “crowded.” I maintained that cramped was a funnier word than crowded. He expostulated that words in and of themselves can’t be funny. I flexed my muscles as executive producer and my word prevailed. Needless to say our relations were a little strained afterwards. Like squash. I don’t eat squash. I make it a personal policy not to eat any food that can be used as a verb. Food-o-verbioses is a rare phobia and it’s steered me away from all manner of dangerous delicacies. Like I can’t eat Captain Crunch. Not least because the notion of Crunchberries reminds me of a bicycle accident I once had. Or artichokes. This food even looks like it could be the source of violence, all prickly and spiny and hand grenade green. Number one food-o-verbioses maxim: foods that contain the word choke can’t be safe. To aspirate is to puff air when you speak and puffs of air are a byproduct of asparagus. Aspira-guts is more like it. Carrots are barely okay. Cause they kind of sound like a cord you could use to strangle someone. Eggplant passes. Although for some reason, I’m reminded of a fertility clinic. And butternut squash sounds like either a massage parlor accident of painful proportions or some bizarre fraternity ritual. Finally, don’t even try to serve me peas. Especially in their strange and exotic variations—Cowpeas and chickpeas. I’ll stick to beans thank you. Even if they do give me cramps...
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