#258 Dear De-Parted

Alistair Cook, famed Masterpiece Theatre host, died a little while ago of cancer. He was 95. Now I’m not sure that at age 95 you can say that anybody actually died of anything. I think at 90 everything automatically clicks over to the designation “natrual causes.” The natural cause? His body just plumb gave out. But his final curtain wasn’t his death. For that you need the rest...of the story.
Turns out Alistair and many others were involuntarily involved in an organ and tissue donation scam. A firm, dare I say corps-eration, named Biomedical Tissue Services apparently conspired with various funeral parlors in New York to steal bones, tendons, skin and suchlike. The funeral parlors would harvest the tissue—is the word lift appropriate here?—and sell it to Biomedical Tissue Services, who would then market it to hospitals and doctors for skin grafts, orthopedic procedures and dental implants. Connective tissue from the groin purloined. Finger bones palmed. Butt Bones boosted. Flesh pinched. Ovaries plundered and eggs poached. In America, not Nazi Germany. This is a lot worse than stealing golden teeth.
Now, granted, I’m a little slow, the first time I saw the name Biomedical Tissue Services, I thought they supplied special hospital toilet paper. But still, if I were a doctor about to receive tissue, I’m thinking a New Jersey fellow named Guido would not be my first source. Anything from anywhere in the portion of New Jersey abutting New York would not be the place I would go for body parts. Don’t these people watch TV? Repeat after me in your best Marlon Brando Godfather voice: “I got an offer you can’t refuse, really cheap body parts, I even got paperwork.” And there’s the rub. The companies faked paperwork for these bodies, saying cadavers were younger than they were, disease free, and in good working order. Kind of like that really cheap rebuilt alternator you bought once. So infections and complications ensued in the unknowing recipients. A man died from an infection after a diseased kneecap was implanted, Hepatitis C. sickened others. The funeral parlors and the tissue company stole bones and replaced them with PVC pipes in bodies to be buried. Thefts from bodies destined for cremation like Alistair Cook were easier to obscure. Relatives just got a short load of ashes. Which, fuel economy wise, was a notch on the plus side. Parts were shipped as far as Canada, Minnesota, Texas and Florida. Great. How many of those who died in New York wanted to retire in Florida? At least part of them got there. This is one of those places that needs more government oversight. Oh the indignity. Organ donation is a noble thing because it’s voluntary. But to find out your loved one was neither buried, nor cremated—but parted out...
America, ya gotta love it.