#222 Pillow-life

I read this article the other day. It was about pillows. You know, those things we put our faces on every night. Those things we prop up behind our back when we read in bed. Those things we cry on, and sweat on, and drool on. We rub our hands on ‘em. We prop ‘em between our legs when we’re sleeping sideways with a muscle ache. We wrestle our arm around ‘em to prop our head up differently, and jam ‘em into our armpits in the process. We put the back of our heads on ‘em, whether we’ve just taken a shower or whether we’ve been wearing a greasy baseball cap all day long. And how often do we wash ‘em? Oh sure, we wash the pillow cases. But truth be told, most of us wash the cases less frequently than we wash the kitchen dish towel.
But the pillow underneath doesn’t get much attention. Until now. A scientist decided to test pillows for microscopic flora and fauna. That’s plants and animals to non-scientists. Well guess what? They need to come up with a new reality show for TV. Instead of “Fear Factor,” they can call it “Face Factor.” Cause there’s all sorts of funky isht goin’ down in this city of dreams. It’s no wonder teenagers get acne. Oh yeah, that’s another thing we moosh into our pillows...
Scientists broke open pillows ranging in age from 18 months to 20 years. They detected more than a million spores and up to 16 species of fungi including bread and shower molds. Pillow-life as it were. Hypoallergenic pillows consistently had more diverse and abundant fungi than “down” pillows. They called the pillows a rich habitat. Oh the humanity. Mites eat fungi, fungi sop up nitrogen-rich dust mite dung. Mmm, dust mite dung. Both organisms live on shed skin flakes. “What’s for breakfast Mrs. Mite?” “Why, shed skin flakes, of course, Mr. Mite.” The organisms also vary their diet with Secretions and Bacteria provided by humans. Is there no end to human generosity? The scientists calculated that we add 20 gallons of sweat per person per year into bedding and then warm the area to 98.6 degrees with 100% humidity every night—what you may call the ideal culture for micro types. “I say, Mr. Mite how about some culture?” “Don’t mind if I do, Mr. Fungi. And may I say, you are one fun guy.” “But there’s a lot more where I came from ha ha ha.” The scientists think that down pillows may be better than hypoallergenic ones because their tightly woven fabric keeps out spores, mites, dust, and dog and cat dander. Oh, dog and cat dander—get out the Pet and Shoulders. Note to self: wash pillowcase daily, buy new pillow and leave on plastic. Get used to crinkly noise. Plastic crinkle noise better than noise made by dander-munching dust-mite
America, ya gotta love it.