#211 Peanuts Envy

As candy has got smaller in our culture, from regular to fun size, so has it also gotten larger. It’s possible, say, to get a desk size Kit Kat bar. Or a three pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups. The pack of Reese’s sport, by the way, the same label disclaimer as a Payday Bar that I find so amusing: “Caution, May Contain Peanuts.” Yeah. That would be that whole peanut wrapped around nougat peanut thing. Now I’m all for warning folks with peanut allergies that some things in this world that are not obvious may contain peanuts. We all heard the story a while ago of a girl who kissed her boyfriend and died because he had apparently consumed some peanut butter a half hour previously. Now that is an extreme nut allergy. But really, is it so necessary to tell someone that a bag of peanuts may contain peanuts. It’s a little disconcerting. When I unwrap a Payday bar and the whole thing is encrusted with peanuts I don’t think I’ll think that by some transmutation type miracle, these things that look, smell, and feel like peanuts are going to be anything other than, in fact, peanuts. And, if anything, the standard disclaimer on the bag that the product MAY contain peanuts just confuses the issue. If, lets say, I actually took the time to read the small print before I ripped into the wrapper, I would be led to conclude that there is at least a possibility that the product DIDN’T contain peanuts. May is not absolutely certain, is it? Now all peanut allergy people are not alike. Some, in fact, really want peanuts bad. They are jealous of the folk who can flag down a vendor at a ball game and have a warm bag of nuts tossed into their lap. You might say they suffer from peanuts envy. Perhaps if I was one of those, or a gambling sort of peanut allergy person, that MAY word, may be enough to encourage me to take the risk. What lawyers call an attractive nuisance. Like a pool in your backyard, even if it has a razor wire topped chain link fence and three Dobermans prowling the perimeter.
And there’s the other side. I could just as easily conclude when I see the “may contain” verbiage on a Payday Bar that the reason the company is saying “may” is that the apparent whole peanuts encrusting the nougat are, in fact, extruded candy imitations. Like a marzipan pig or roses on a wedding cake. Like they might also say on a packet of Twinkies, “may contain nourishment.”
Funny thing, they’re always pretty certain about, say, trans fat. Lots of products proclaim in bold letters that they contain NO trans fat. That’s good, because I think I’m developing a trans fat allergy. My wife kissed me the other night after eating some Fritos dipped in garlic tuna mousse and I nearly keeled over. I’m sure it was because the trans fat lingering on her lips caused an allergic reaction...
America, ya gotta love it.