#207 Ought 5

A guy gave me this email thing the other day. He actually gave it to me in person, on printed paper, rather than forwarding it to me by email. Perhaps he didn’t know how to copy and paste, but he did know that I automatically delete any forwards, especially if they have attachments. I’m not saying every forwarded email has spam-cookies or viruses, but I don’t make a practice of walking through TB wards either. The line between cautious and paranoid is both thin and evanescent.
Anyhow, this piece told what things were like in the previous century’s Ought 5. Like in 1905 only 8% of homes had a telephone, and a 3-minute call to New York from Denver cost 11 dollars. And that was without roaming—unless you count the buffalo. Sugar cost 4 cents a pound, coffee 15 cents a pound. Machiatos and lattes cost equal amounts, nothing—cause they didn’t exist. Only 14 percent of homes in the US had a bathtub. And no, there were no showers. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and when they did, used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Husbands still didn’t have a clue. “Um, Hon, did you do something to your hair? It looks less greasy and more yellow, runny, and snot-like.” The population of Las Vegas was only thirty people. And one guy was comp-ing rooms for the other 29.
Two out of every ten US adults couldn’t read or write. Glad to see some things haven’t changed. Strangely, five of them still couldn’t pass the WASL. There was no Mothers Day or Fathers Day. Back then, they didn’t give their parents little expensive cards to show their sentiment. They gave ‘em something far more valuable, respect.
On the other hand, 90% of all US doctors had no college education. Perhaps that’s why 95% of all US births took place at HOME. The five leading cause of death were, Pneumonia/influenza, Tuberculosis, diarrhea, heart disease and stroke. Cancer, which is essentially an old people’s disease, wasn’t even a contender, because the average life expectancy was 47. Crosswords, iced tea and canned beer hadn’t been invented yet. Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drug stores. Back then, the pharmacist said: “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is in fact, the perfect guardian of health.” Just ask Curt Cobain.
Finally, in 1905, there were only 230 murders reported in the entire US. Let’s see, no canned beer, life expectancy 47. Proof positive, statistics show the horrendous numbers of murders in the US in 2005 can only be due to one thing, old people drinking beer. Looks to me like we ought to rethink that heroin thing.
America, ya gotta love it.