#217 Polly Wanna

It was a news story straight out of Desperate Housewives. Actually, I’ve never seen Desperate Housewives, well, not the show anyhow, but that seemed like a good opening line. Gotta have a hook you know. In any event, the story could as easily have come from Animal Planet. Seems it involve a parrot along with others. In fact, it formed that most terrible of problematic polygons, the love quadrangle.
To any of you who spent the first day of your freshman year being beaten up by the seniors because you refused to get on your knees and scrub it with a toothbrush, the word quadrangle no doubt conjures up some kind of post traumatic stress. But not, I’m guessing, the stress this gal had when her boyfriend’s pet parrot started spilling the beans. Seems that Ziggy the Parrot blurted out the words “I love you Gary” in Suzy’s voice. Very true rendition too. Only problem was, Suzy was the girlfriend of Taylor. Gary was the secret lover of Suzy. Ergo Suzy saying “I love you Gary” even if the voice was actually coming from a parrot, was not what Taylor wanted to hear. Suzy, of course, wanted to, at that point, flip the bird—preferably off his perch and into the garbage disposal. But too late. Suzy and Taylor hadn’t been getting along so she had an affair preparatory to flying the coop, but if she thought it was feathering her new nest, well, it turned out to be a bird of different feather altogether, fowl play as it were, nature red in tooth and claw. And in classic Greek tragedy style, it was the birdbrain that let the cat of the bag.
Still, Suzy should have known, don’t do anything you’re ashamed of in front of a animal that can talk. And worse, perfectly mimic other people’s voices. And even worser, as it turned out, cries of passion as well. And having your new boyfriend say things like I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers is bound to trigger some sort of confusion in a parrot. And that can’t end up good.
The couple has since broken up. The extra boyfriend has also split the scene. Not often that someone wants to have a permanent relationship with someone who would have an affair, even if it is with their ownself. As Groucho Marx used to say, I wouldn’t want to be in a club that would have me as a member. The parrot was farmed out as well. Turns out he couldn’t be stopped from saying I love you Gary and making passion noises and generally using Taylor’s now ex-girlfriend’s voice. It’s good to be able to confront your past but it’s not necessary to have it thrown in your face everyday. Picking emotional scabs is for masochists. I don’t know though. Maybe I wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of the parrot throwing up my dirty laundry in front of a stranger everyday either. Polly wanna what?
America, ya gotta love it.