#144 High-phenation

America is about to face a crisis. And it will happen to the next generation, when it will reach epidemic proportions. It is, arguably, one of the most difficult social diseases to come down the pike in a long time. I’m talking about AHD: Accumulative Hyphenation Disorder. That’s right, second or third generation hyphenated names.
Parents, think of your kids. Decide on a freaking name. Take his name, take her name, but please, please don’t hyphenate. And friends and relatives, put in your two cents worth too. Cause friends don’t let friends hyphenate. Tell them no. Explain to them the social stigma, the societal scorn, and most importantly, the inconvenience of always spelling out a cumbersome hyphenated name. It’s the next generation that will pay.
On the face of it, hyphenation is an attractive prospect. Your checking account has both names, most of your legal documents can remain the same and if you get a divorce, you just split the names apart again. They’ll be kind of like a new coffee. De-hyphenated. But that’s short tem thinking. Suppose, even though hyphenated name marriages are 50% more doomed to failure than non-hyphenated ones, suppose you manage to stay together, and have kids. The kids will most likely have your hyphenated name. Forget for a moment the horrendous numbers of man-hours teachers, administrators, employers, and the kids themselves will have to devote to laboriously spelling out the name. Forget the endless questions your kid will have to answer about family heritage and marriage dynamics. Forget all the jokes about Ellen Bursten marrying Peter Boyle and becoming Ellen Bursten-Boyle, What happens when your kid is old enough to marry and he or she meets someone with a family upbringing just like his or hers. And they’re hyphenators too.
Formerly, his name was Tom Smith-Blumberg. Her name was Jennifer Torand-Goldfarb. When they hyphenate too, their new name will be Smith-Blumberg-Torand-Goldfarb. Sounds like a frickin lawyers’ office. Or an accounting firm. And now, what’s their kid gonna do? On the first day of school, always missing out on the first recess cause he’s still spelling his name on the blackboard? Running out of space on employment and loan applications? Spending his whole life ordering oversize checks?
Stop the cycle. Quit ruining people lives. The institution of marriage is too important. Break the hyphen now.
America, ya gotta love it.