#141 Wonderwhere

My sister came up the stairs last night laughing. She had a copy of Westways Magazine in her hand. As she wiped the tears from her eyes she handed it to me and pointed out this ad. The ad was for One- Der-Wear, spelled o-n-e-, as in the numeral. My first thought was, it was a product quality claim built into the name, a branding thing, like “we’re number one.” My second thought, less noble, was it was a new adult diaper, but light-weight and geared towards just urinary incontinence, and not untimely bowel discharge. Hence, again, the reference to the number one.
It was neither. The product is for one time underwear use. Not use it or lose it, but Use it and lose it. But unlike those nylon try-on socks that they used to have at shoe stores before they invented the all season flip-flop, these were all cotton. Kind of like those skimpy saggy panties they force gals to wear to try on bikinis. A good idea really―though I’ve never had too, the idea of being the second or third person to try on a thong bikini is a little unsettling.
The claims in the ad rang out. “One hundred percent cotton disposable underwear.” “They eliminate the hassle of traveling with dirty underwear forever.” Oh yes, one of my biggest hassles when traveling is carting around that bushel of dirty underwear. Oh the strain! And clever how they worked the word eliminate into the ad copy. The next line says why: “Great for”—in bullet points—“Traveling, Exercising, Camping, Emergencies.” Ah, Qwai Chang, but how do you know when the emergency will hit? Slip on a pair before you try that ethnic restaurant in a foreign city?
Then there was the obligatory testimonial line: “The chore of washing your knickers in the hotel sink is a thing of the past thanks to OneDerWear” from Arthur Frommer. No offense, but an English guy who washes his “knickers” in the sink is not who I usually take advice from. I’m not entirely sure what knickers are but you can bet there’s no more fresh produce washing in any hotel sinks in my future. OneDerWear is available for men in two styles: brief and boxer brief. Briefs are tighty-whiteys, Boxer briefs are, in effect, baggy-saggys. A box of five is just 9.99. Okay. So I take a ten-day trip. In the old days, I would take five pair, wash them on route and bring back five pair. Now I can take 10 pair, making my baggage bulgier at the beginning, throw them away and use the empty space to bring back a memento. Fantastic. Next time I go to Maui I’ll be able to bring back those souvenir Hawaiian print boxers.
America, ya gotta love it.