#137 The Toll of Humanity

As I was driving off the freeway the other day, I saw my favorite homeless guy at the end of the off-ramp. I’ve never actually given him any money, for a variety of reasons. One of which is that he doesn’t take debit cards. I asked him once and he shook his head sadly, completely aware of what an opportunity that would offer him if he did and sorrowful that the cashless society was rendering his ancient profession obsolete.
I surprised him one day when I reached out at the stoplight and offered him an orange. He was staring straight ahead in that meditative zombie state I remember from working booths at convention centers, an expression plastered on your face, but your thoughts a thousand miles away. He took the orange and thanked me, silently acknowledging that it wouldn’t go far towards satisfying his booze habit, but when I said you couldn’t have too much vitamin C, he agreed wholeheartedly. “I try to get it whenever I can,” he croaked out, his voice fractured not by emotion but by 40 years of cigarettes, mad dog, and madder weather.
One day I pulled to a stop next to him, my window down in the heat, and asked if he was enjoying the sun. He replied, “Its glorious,” then, “too bad you gotta wear that tie.”
“That’s part of being in harness,” I said.
“Yep I know” he smiled, “that’s why I’m a bum.”
He confirmed what I already knew; he was not homeless in the traditional sense. He was a BBC. Bum By Choice.
So, me being me, I thought about his marketing difficulties. If I was a bum, what would I do to increase my income on a daily outing? Aggressive panhandling doesn’t cut it, it only works temporarily and then you end up getting rounded up by the man. Pathetic signs have a limited success because they have the same limitations as all static advertising in an on-the-move world: Your message has to be both effective and short if you’re going to impact your target demographic. Plus, the message has to result in an instant decision by your client to turn over cash. Having people stopped at the light on an off-ramp may seem like an opportunity but really, they’re closed up their cars, their radios are blaring, and it’s easy for them to look the other way. Cardboard signs and dour looks are easy to ignore.
Or people are frozen in indecision because they just don’t know how much. You know how it is; you never know what to tip the guy at the airport. Worst of all, if they do decide, how are they supposed to give it to you? Hand it over? To your dirty smelly hands? Some people just can’t stand the prospect of contact with any other human beings, they’re afraid your homelessness will rub off on them or something. Big untapped market there.
My solution? Hobo toll booths. Or at least buckets. Set up a little hobo wishing well or bum bin and encourage people to toss change from their cars. Clap your hands when they make a bucket. Yell out “Two Points!” Make the whole thing fun. At the end of the day, trundle everything over to the supermarket, use the change sorter and ka-ching, you’ve made some serious cash.
America, ya gotta love it.