#134 Theatre Love

There’s a new theatre that recently opened in our fine city. And there are some interesting things about it. Over the last few years the company that owns the new theatre acquired both of the other theaters in town, on both the Westside and the Eastside. The company closed down the two old cinemas on the night of the new theatre’s opening. Talk about a captive audience. The old ones had 4 and 8 screens respectively and the new one has 16 so there is room to grow. One of the old theatres is slated to be reborn as a church. It will make some interesting Sunday mornings to the patrons of the bars clustered around the site of the former theatre/now house of worship. One of the taverns is really, really, close. I’d say your average late night drunken denizen of that pub would probably be able to make it from barstool to pew in only 12 steps.
I wonder if the new church will try to hold eight services simultaneously on eight different screen areas or gut the whole thing and make one giant amphitheatre to the lord. And it’ll be interesting to see the environs that were once the scene of so much “R” Rated sex and carnage host the heavenly-aspiring souls as they do penance in the same seats they used to do petting in. No word yet on the disposition of the popcorn concession. They may keep it as a temptation to swell their youth group ranks. And as for the timeless conundrum between goobers and raisinets, I suspect peckish parishioners will be asking themselves, WWJC—What Would Jesus choose.
At the new theatre, though, a different problem will exist for parents. You see, the new theatre has been advertising all its modern amenities: 46 foot screens, stadium seating so every one has a good seat—unless Lurch happens to show up and plop down in front of you—rocking chair loge seats. No reserved area in the back, mind you, for a higher ticket price, like when I was growing up, no, every seat is a loge seat. Last time I experienced that was at the Winter Olympics. I had a loge seat in the lodge before I got on my luge.
And something else. Pay attention parents. The armrests. They have cupholders. And they move up as well. Not only do I see some potential for slapstick in upcoming movies—moving armrest, cupholder, cup full of coke. What’s worse is the theater is advertising this as a way to make two formerly separated seats into one LOVE-seat. I see the potential for some extremely heavy teen petting sessions. And some downright naughty necking too. Are we going to have to set up a rating system for the seats as well as the movies? I’m sorry kids, these seats are rated “R,” restricted, no one under eighteen is allowed a movable armrest without a parent present.
America, ya gotta love it.