#118 Which White

It may be that the end of civilization as we know it will come about because we all go crazy and have our brains implode from having to process too many choices. A walk through any supermarket has become a path fraught with fear. Fear of not making the right choice, fear of having too many choices, fear of not being up on the latest research that tells you this week whether the products you thought were okay are now unsafe in some way or the unsafe products are now okay—Try the new, bacon only, Atkins modification, Southeast BBQ beach diet.
Like the other day. I needed toothpaste. Ordinarily not a problem. My experience in consumerism over the last forty-plus years tells me that sooner or later product osmosis prevails. Industrial espionage, plagiarism, and downright rip-offs mean that if a product is popular because of some magic ingredient, soon all products in that genre will have it.
So my basic philosophy of product picking is: whatever’s cheapest. Grab the damn thing with the lowest price and get on with your life.
Unfortunately, I had picked one of those days when everything was the same low price. Except for Toms of Maine and one other hippie toothpaste crafted from the chemical clay of aloe, gingko biloba and baking soda, every single tube, pump, and gel was the same sticker. Great, I thought. Now even the toothpaste companies have got into the employee discount frenzy.
So I was forced to actually read the packaging on the various toothpastes. And I discovered something. I now have to decide how white I want my teeth to be. Crest, as one example, had whitening, extra whitening, dual action whitening, whitening expressions and multicare whitening. They also had sensitive, cavity protection, tartar removing, baking soda, herbal, citrus, scope, and various mint flavors—Cool mint, regular mint, and fresh mint. Oh, and something I’m totally unsure of, a formula called rejuvenating, which remineralizes, refeshes and restores your teeth. Who would have thought the fountain of youth was in aisle 3-b?
Still, as if the bewildering choices of flavors of mint isn’t enough to drive me to Frances Farmer land, I’m left with the quandary of which white is the white for me. I mean, whitening is okay and I’m a little intrigued by “dual action” whitening. Sounds really impressionistic somehow, like Bob Ross is going to start daubing my mouth with a special brush. But extra whitening? If I wanted my teeth white, would I even consider regular whitening when extra whitening was available. “No, just regular white please, if my smile’s too luminescent I could blind people.”
Of course the big question is this: Are they really all just the same damn concoction anyhow? Cause I don’t think there’s a federal board somewhere examining toothpaste formulas. “Proctor and Gamble, we’re going to fine you. You’ve got more whitening in the tube than you promised.”
America, ya gotta love it.