#127 Crazy Cow

There was a news story came off the wires a little while back. Seems the Russians had a dilemma. Now I’m no expert on things Russian. The only thorough examination of their culture I’ve made is in comparing the different brands of their dressing that are available. And, once Ranch dressing came out, good American that I am, I left French and Russian moldering on the shelves. I always thought it was odd that Russian dressing was essentially composed of mayonnaise, a French concoction, and chili sauce, a Spanish addition to European cuisine. Was it meant to be some international workers paradise dressing co-opted from the commie parties of France and Spain? Probably not. More likely a name invented by Kraft, like the name “Ranch” when buttermilk dressing no longer sounded catchy enough.
I digress.
In any event, our not-doing-so-well-in-the-shiftingly-corrupt-capitalist-department maybe-we-were-better-off-with-a-reliably-corrupt-totalitarian-system friends across the oceans have a big problem on their hands. Cow Feed.
One thing I do know about Russia is its agriculture mafia isn’t doing as well as its Pirate CD and Missing Nuclear Warhead mafias. Harvests have never been a very certain thing in tumultuous Russia. If it isn’t the wind, snow, and rain it’s a revolution or war or failed commune policy. And, gosh darn it, forced labor just never seems to come up with the same kind of crop as tender loving farming does. Could you imagine the service we’d get in our farmer’s market if every one was forced to work there? Or our Walmarts? Wait a minute...
Competition does make things more service oriented. Back in the Ma Bell days, you couldn’t get new service for weeks. Now just walk through the cellphone company gauntlet at the mall and you’ll come out literally littered with minutes.
So the problem the Roosekies faced was real. 40 tons of contaminated feed. Seems that when the fodder was harvested from the corn and sunflower fields no one noticed there was a fair percentage of marijuana plants distributed among them, like green beads within the cornrows. The big combines came by, harvested it all into the same mechanical maw, and out popped some major bricks of weed, dude—Georgian Gold, Grass of the Steppes, Ural Gonna Like this. So what if you got a little cornstalk and sunflower shafts mixed in. Most sixties’ pot bales were cut with more than a few handsful of hay.
But no. Passing up a good agricultural mafia opportunity, the powers that be decided to feed all forty tons to the hungry cattle for which it was originally intended. So apparently, they won’t have to worry about mad cow disease anymore, just wasted cow disease. And as a wit quicker than I put it, Russia’s really gonna have to beef up their brownie production...
Dude.
America, ya gotta love it.