1837 Wife of Jesus

There's been a big ballyhoo in the media recently about an amazing discovery. A piece of papyrus. Not just any piece of papyrus, but a piece of papyrus purported to point out the Jesus had a wife.
Yes, that Jesus.
The Jesus whose saint-like celibacy launched an entire set of restrictions in the Catholic Church. Woe is them.
Dan Brown acolytes, waving the banner of conspiracy, flocked to the airwaves and cooed in vindication and validation at the news. Nice for them to know, I suppose, that their favorite author actually had some shred of fact upon which to base his story of missionary misogyny. Mary Magdalene was not only important, and female disciples not only accepted, but Jesus himself may have taken Mary to wife.
The wife of Jesus, as told by a papyrus from 400 AD.
Wait a minute, did they say 400 AD? Doesn't AD mean anno domini, the year of our lord? So that's like 400 hundred years after Jesus' birth? Or approximately 368 years after his putatively pre-arisen passing?
Let's think about that. Even though 1600 or 2000 years ago both seem like a long time to us, people who lived in AD 400 still lived four centuries after Christ. Their papyri are no more correct than a 40-day-old PayPal offer to us. 400 years is a long time.
"But it was a rich oral tradition," you say. That always works well. Ever played the game rumor, where one person whispers a phrase and it works its way around the room? How does that oral tradition work out for accuracy?
I'm just saying...a 400-year-old papyrus-penning Christian would have known as much about the wife of Jesus as I know about the sister-in-law of the captain of the Mayflower.
It’s wholly unbelievable.
America, ya gotta love it.