1306 Hella Bad

Not long ago I was hiking up around Mt Rainier and I chanced upon an odd plant. There were a bunch of them, they were about 2 feet tall, and they had these really interesting pleated leaves. They were almost like skunk cabbages, but not quite. If anything, they looked like something that should be in a tropical, not an alpine environment.
And they looked kind of succulent too, like maybe you could pull them up and cook them like asparagus, or render their roots into some kind of poi.
So much for gustatory intuition.
Turns out the darn things are deadly poisonous. I researched them on the interweb and found out they’re called “false hellebore.” And they aren’t hella boring let me tell you. They’re hella bad. Any part of the plant is bad to ingest.
But what I really liked was the warning I read on one website. The caution read: “Although a strong cardiac stimulant has been made from the roots, this highly toxic plant can cause birth defects, gastrointestinal distress, salivation, prostration, general paralysis, spasms, irregular heart beat, difficulties breathing, and death.”
I’m duly impressed. My goodness. Irregular heartbeat, birth defects, gastrointestinal distress, general paralysis, difficulty breathing and death. Those are enough to warn me off right there.
Although I’m not sure how I would manage to have sex to cause a birth defect in the next generation if I was generally paralyzed or, um, dead.
But the other two side effects are really scary. Prostration? You mean the plant may knock me on my keester? Lay me flat?
And it causes... salivation? You mean...I’ll get a bunch of spit in my mouth?
Run, run, this plant’s not just deadly—it makes you drool!
America, ya gotta love it.