#714 Appetizing

I watched The Oscars the other night. The union writers were back so they didn’t have to hire scabs. And it was cool because I could watch all the Superbowl commercials again, but without the ones for beer.
I don’t know why advertisers think Oscar watchers are so different demographically that they’d prefer to watch commercials for Diet Coke rather than beer.
Anyhow, among the McDonald’s bacon-ranch-fried-chicken sandwich and heart-healthy Diet Coke commercials there were a couple of commercials about some make-up that makes your eyes look better. They ads said, “...the signs of age come in the blink of an eye. The crepe-i-ness, the sagging...” and so on.
And I went, huh? Crepe-i-ness?
Is this someone with a regional accent saying crapiness?
And then I realized they were modifying the word crepe. Which to me was, quite frankly, a little creepy. When we age, our eyes are apparently going to look like some fancy French breakfast.
Stuffed with little brown-pupiled raisins perhaps, the eyeballs white as whipped cream, or strawberry red from the previous night’s debauchery.
Actually, I’m sure they mean that nearly translucent skin you get with age. The stuff on the back of your grandma’s hand that when you pinch it, stays the shape you pinched it into for awhile. The stuff that’s so thin and dry you can see the cholesterol-clogged veins underneath. It’s crepe-y.
I’ll never enjoy a French breakfast again.
Then again, enjoyable names for food are tough sometimes. I saw an ad recently for Smucker’s Uncrustables. Now when you have a name like Smuckers you’re already in dangerous territory as far as pleasant sounding syllables. So to call something Uncrustable...
Here’s the concept of this sandwich. You load two pieces of soft non-fibered non-nutritious white bread with peanut butter and jelly and then cut off the crusts and fuse the edges. Then you individually package it. Heck. What’s one more useless wrapper in the landfill?
But what’s worse is calling it uncrustable. It’s just horribly wrong from a poetic perspective. It’s not soothing, the word uncrustable. It’s not romantic or musical, uncrustable. It doesn’t sound like a food.
It sounds like an ointment.
To prevent scabs.
America, ya gotta love it.