#296 Melded Muni

So along with the death of the Olympia postmark looms another thing on the loss-of-identity horizon. Seems the local paper The Olympian has been acquired by the Tacoma News Tribune. I say local paper rather than local newspaper because calling it a newspaper kind of overstates its true focus. The word ad-paper would probably be more accurate. Most papers these days devote over 50% of their space to advertisements. Which I have nothing against, I am in the advertising business, but it’s like taking a thick hamburger patty, ketchup, mustard, relish, mayo, onion slice, and tomato, on a bun, and then adding a thin slice of processed cheese and calling the whole thing a cheeseburger. Proportionately, you may as well call it a pickle burger or a ketchup burger, the cheese is one of the least things on it. Is a Twinkie defined by its faux cream filling or its angel food cake? Is it the space that makes the hole or the solid around it?
So anyhow, the Olympian, once known to Olympians as the Daily Olympian, the Daily Oh, the Daily Zero or the Daily Zip, is being bought yet again and this time by the nosy neighbor to the north. But to anyone who has driven north lately knows it’s not that far north anymore. Oh sure, the city cores are just as distant as ever, but fringes, well the fringes are about to merge, like two clumps in a cesspool chasing each other down the drain. First the postmark then the newspaper, soon the municipalities themselves. They’ll be a new town, like Sea-Tac. Maybe, like Sea-Tac incorporating the best each thriving borough has to offer in the way of airports, discount shopping, and avenues of titillation. The question is what to call it. “Tol-ympia” makes it sound like you’ll have to pay more than high B&O taxes. Plus it give undue emphasis to one entity. Cheeseburger. “Oly-coma” sounds too much like what visitors fall into after they’ve sat on the freeway outside the capitol exits during rush hour. “Ta-CO-pia” is a strong balanced favorite. Except for two things; it sounds a little like utopia or eco-topia, which may keep big business out and if you pronounce it wrong you’ve got taco-PIA which was my problem when I first moved here and the news stories always were talking about a Tacoman helping his community or saving someone a fire. I didn’t read it Tacoman. I read it taco-man. I thought he was some superhero or something. Taco-man rescues cat from tree. I guess we’ll just have to settle for a full unbroken hyphen version of the name. Tacoma hyphen Olympia or Olympia hyphen Tacoma. Maybe the city of DuPont could facilitate the process by changing its name to Dash. Better yet, we could learn a lesson from that whole angel food cake/ cream filling thing and call the new melded metropolis “Twinkie.” I can see the headlines now. “Twinkie Man Tackles Purse Snatcher, Criminal Gets Just Desserts.”
America, ya gotta love it.