#57 Hassled and Gruntled

One of the biggest reasons I’m happy I was born an American is that having been born into it, our language doesn’t trick me that often. I’d hate like heck to be a foreigner having to master all this slang and misusage we call English. We can’t even call our language American for gosh sake. It's, it's, Un-American dang it.
Funny how some words can be easily reversed in meaning and still make sense but with others it doesn’t. I say American—I say un-American. I can say funny, I can say unfunny and you get it. Usage—misusage. Hurried—unhurried. Stressed—unstressed. Disband—band. Disagreeable—agreeable. Disgruntled—gruntled. Wait a minute. Who ever heard of anyone being gruntled? I’m guessing anyone who is the opposite of the gun-totin' guy going postal is gruntled. After all, the mailman, I mean mail person, I mean person person, I mean, oh hell, postal worker, must have been gruntled before he was dis-gruntled.
Now, before you tear yourself away from the radio and run to get your dictionaries the answer is yes, there is a word gruntle. Not only that, it’s not recognized in Microsoft Office 2000 spellcheck. Neither is the word “spellcheck” by the way―only its more cumbersome form “spellchecker.” Gruntle is defined as an intransitive verb meaning to grunt repeatedly—presumably in satisfaction, or as a verb: to cause to be more favorably inclined; gain the good will of; "She managed to gruntle the angry customer" [synonyms would be: pacify, conciliate, assuage, appease, mollify, placate, and gentle] Obviously this is a meaning many of us ignore in our everyday speech. If instead of mollifying or pacifying one of my angry customers I said I was going to gruntle them, I think I’d probably make them dismayed. Then, after that, would I have to “may” them? Or would I re-may them? What if they re-fuse to be re-mayed? Would I then try to fuse them? Maybe I could assuage them. I love assuaging people. Sounds like something you need a license for, doesn’t it? I’m a licensed assuage therapist.
My least favorite "dis" word is "dis" itself, as in I dissed him, or I was dissing on him. My slang dictionary says it derives from a shortened form of the word disrespect. Unfortunately, it also derives from a misuse of the word disrespect, namely, the incorrect use of it as a verb, as in I disrespected him or he disrespected me. You can respect someone, but you cannot disrespect them, you can only show them disrespect. Disrespect is a noun. Like, say, an apple. You can show someone an apple. You do not apple them.
Confused? Me too. When I jump into the swamp of our language, I get completely discombobulated. That’s why I keep trying to get back to normal. Cause I don’t know about you, but when I’m combobulated again, I am totally gruntled, dude.
America, ya gotta love it.