#51 Bummed

I was going down the off ramp of the freeway the other day, when I spied a homeless character brandishing a cardboard sign. Seems he was hungry or something. I was feeling generous so I reached in my pocket and pulled out two quarters. Then, I realized, Hey, it’s Saturday. So a dug for another quarter and gave the guy 75 cents. Time and a half for weekends, right?
So it occurred to me. Maybe what this whole bum thing needs is a little old-fashioned unionizing. It worked in the thirties to help elevate an entire class of disadvantaged people. Today’s consumers directly owe their status as consumers to unions. Back in the unregulated days of corporate exploitation folks like us were working six or seven days a week, 12 hours a day, for pitiful wages. We didn’t have to worry about where our kids were cause they were working in the coal mines right beside us. We couldn’t afford a toaster, much less central heating, three computers, and cellphones that sprouted out of our ears.
So, if unionizing helped create the entire consumer/leisure class maybe it could help the bums too.
Now I’m not some heartless fellow who thinks that all homeless are bums. There are many disadvantaged people who get crushed under the wheels of our society that legitimately need a little 9/11 compassion.
But there has always been a vagabond group that has sniffed at the edges of the rotting corpse which is our bloated throwaway society, and managed to live by tearing off an occasional chunk of it on the sly.
They know that depicting themselves as homeless rather than hobo is a fine strategy. Unfortunately, too many of us are catching on, and if the hobo thing is to work as efficiently as it could, some organization is in order.
So first, a couple of basics. Appropriate apparel. Not a good idea to be wearing expensive shoes and clothes. People notice when “homeless” individuals look like they spent 150 bucks on the latest Timberlands and its pretty common knowledge that Carharrts don’t come cheap.
Two: Smoke breaks. Again. It’s a hard sell to a suspicious consumer that you’re “desperate, will take anything, and will work for food” when you have a cigarette dangling from your lips. 3.50 for a pack of cigarettes will also buy you three items off the value menu of any fast food establishment.
Three: Rotate your shifts. If you are in the same place for longer than a week you’ve tapped out your potential market. Try someplace different, change clothes. Shave one day and get some stubble going the next. Variety sells. On that note: Lose the dog and the friend. People don’t like to be generous to more than one thing at a time. Asking them to fork over a buck and a bone is pushing it.
Four: Take a page from basic union thinking. Work your way up to the plum spots. I think it’s more necessary than ever to arrange apprentice, journeyman, and master status and all the privileges each echelon bestows. It’s all about maximizing resources. You don’t want some greenhorn coming in and hogging a great off ramp just cause he got up a little earlier than you. Initiative will kill a good organization.
Finally, every union needs a good name. How about the United Non-Workers of America? UNWA. And when you’re inducted into to it you’ll be UNWA-shed.
America Ya Gotta Love It.