#56 Thinking Outside the Box

Anyone who ever worries about the outsourcing of white collar jobs can feel comfortable knowing it will never happen to copy writers. At least not in the cereal industry. The other day I pulled a box of cereal out of the pantry and was absolutely amazed by how many adjectives were strewn across the front of the box.
First of all, the label on the top left of the box of cereal in question said it was from Kellogg’s. Another red egg-shaped bubble to the right proclaimed it was “NEW.” Below that it was “Frosted.” Then it was “Mini” and finally it was “Wheats.” “Wheats” had a little “R” beside it, indicating that the word “Wheats” or perhaps the entire construction “Mini-Wheats” was a registered trademark. Don’t try calling your latte stand “Mini-Wheats” buster or your going to jail. In case you’d been living in the tullies, they then explained in small letters next to the trademark symbol that mini-wheats were “lightly sweetened whole grain wheat cereal” Hmm. Somehow the fact that it was from Kellogg’s, it was in a cereal box, and it said frosted, kind of gave me that idea.
Mid-box a banner stretched across. It said Vanilla Crème. Cream spelled c-r-e-m-e with a little doohickey over the “e” not cream, c-r-e-a-m, as in from the cow. By using the French spelling Crème, which is also pronounced “crem” as in cremation, they apparently avoid any requirement for bovine origination.
Under that banner were a couple of bannerettes with factual assertions, perhaps to balance the implied indulgence of vanilla crème. The words “Naturally and Artificially Flavored” explained that most of the flavor was indeed artificial—I’m guessing all of it except that cardboard shredded wheat taste—and the second bannerette said that this cereal was an “Excellent Source of Fiber.” As is, coincidentally, cardboard. Underneath the two factoids was another pitch, this one announcing that “Vanilla Crème Flavor was Baked Into Every Bite.” How thoughtful. I’m so glad they didn’t cheapen the product by only baking the artificial flavor into every other bite. At this point on the box, the banners were actually covering up the enticing pictures of the mini-wheats depicted thereon. Which, need I say, were “enlarged to show texture.” This disclaimer, by the way, though now obligatory on every product box, was so small, I had to get a magnifying glass to enlarge it enough to read it. The next graphic was a simulation of a ribbon and seal. The seal had a big message that proclaimed, “Made with Whole Grain.” I sense a struggle here. Health versus indulgence. First you have the “frosted,” then you have the “mini-wheat,” then you have the “vanilla crème,” then you have the “fiber,” then you have the “vanilla crème baked into every bite,” then you have the “made with whole grain.”
The last adjective on the box seemed to finally resolve the dilemma. Or at least throw up its hands and say, oh what the hell. It said simply, “bite size.” Cripes. If flavor and health doesn’t get em, maybe whether or not they can put it in their mouth will.
Funny thing though. Everything I put in my mouth is bite size.
America, ya gotta love it.