#705 Awakening Cell

Me going off on cellphones has been a pretty common theme in this column. Of course, since I’ve had one I find it hard to live without. I’m sure many a heroin and oxycontin user can say the same.
But at least heroin users can sleep. Yes sleep, and the same cannot be said for many cellphone users.
For years there have been inconclusive studies linking cellphone radiation to brain tumors and mental aberrations. It kind of makes sense, you got low frequency radio waves beaming right next to your gray matter. One of them has got to knock a DNA molecule loose at some point and trigger tumorescence.
As I said, all of these studies were inconclusive, but that didn’t stop me from carrying my cellphone in my front shirt pocket. My front pant pocket was never a serious consideration.
Even though it might have bestowed an Englebert Humberdinck in concert, roll-of-socks-in-the-trousers benefit. An updated Mae West might have intoned to Englebert at one of his concerts, “Is that a cellphone in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
But a recent study has the ringtone of truth. It demonstrates that cellphone use before bed triggers headaches and insomnia. That’s right, insomnia. It said, “People exposed to cellphone–grade radiation before bed also had trouble reaching deep sleep, and they couldn’t maintain sound sleep as long as people not exposed to wireless frequencies.”
Oh boy, have a hard time getting there, and can’t maintain it.
The drug companies already have somni-agra in the works...
Or possibly Sleep-alis.
Swedish researcher Bengt Arnetz concluded, “The study strongly suggests that mobile phone use is associated with specific changes in areas of the brain responsible for activating and coordinating the stress system.”
Especially if someone calls you at 3 A.M.
So what they’re saying here is, no phone calls right before bed. Oh great. Another thing to fight with your teenager about. And another personal habit to undo.
Funny isn’t it?
Turns out those cheap nighttime minutes have a price after all.
America, ya gotta love it.