1472 In-crem-inating

I'm fascinated by the subject of cremation. Partly because our language has words that sound too close to the words they use to describe the various aspects of the cremation process. Or maybe it's just that the funeral industry came up with names that are a little too cutesy.
In the end they all sound like something having to do with cream.
Cremation is a fine word. But "cremains"? That’s the word the funeral industry has given to the ashes. Personally I think "ashes" was fine. Ashes to ashes dust to dust, that sort of thing. I've said it before and I'll say it again, cremains sound like something you add to your coffee.
It gets worse. When a person is cremated and turned into said ashes, they are not as smooth as you might think. There are chunks of bone and what not. The consistency of the ashes a little lumpy. So the cremation technician puts them through a machine that pounds and mixes them to a uniform fineness.
They call that machine a "cremulator." I kid you not. Sounds like something you'd see at a Dairy Queen doesn’t it? "Yeah we pour the milk mixture in here and, voila, instant peanut buster parfait. Thanks cremulator... and thanks Buster."
Then there's the plural for the place where cremation takes place. The singular is crematorium. Which already sounds like the dairy barn exhibit at the fair. "Yahoo Maybelle, Bessie's milk got the blue ribbon in the crematorium."
But the plural of crematorium? Crematoria. Yep, not unlike trattoria. The word for an Italian bistro. Try the Mascarpone... it's guaranteed to stick to your bones.
So. Some would say I'm a bit of a ghoul to dwell on this subject. Does that mean I'm a crème ghoule'?
America, ya gotta love it.