#961 Tubular Diet

You got to hand it to doctors. They keep trying to come up with the ultimate diet solution. First there was telling people to eat less and exercise more. When that didn’t work, they tried all kinds of drugs to suppress appetite. Then they tried chemicals to block fat absorption, sometimes with dubious results.
Do they still make those potato chips that give you diarrhea?
Then on to mechanical methods—stomach stapling and the less drastic stomach rubber-banding, what I believe they call laparoscopic surgery.
Although technically, the stomach is above the lap.
So I suppose it was only a matter of time before they tried a stomach condom. Yep, stomach condom. Maybe they got the idea because, um, drug mules appeared to weigh less than your average American.
In any event, they came up with a clever device. They place something not unlike a tampon applicator down your throat. When it gets to the lower part of your stomach, it unfolds into a framework that anchors itself around the stomach outlet hole. At that point it deploys a tube of plastic, which unfurls into the first two feet of the small intestine.
Sounds like technology they learned from a Mars lander. I hope the plastic doesn’t have BPA or phathlates in it.
The tube is hollow, and all of the semi-digested food from your stomach now passes through it. The food at this point is a slurry known as chyme, so chances are good no chunks will block the tube.
To make sure of this, scientists have tested a miniature version on rats. Yes rats. Tiny tummy condoms in rats. This is the most amazing thing about science, that whenever we invent something medical, we first break out the imagineers and construct a teeny-tiny version for Mickey and his friends. If they give us the go ahead, it’s tummy condoms for everyone.
Testing on rats confirmed that the tube blocks absorption of nutrients in the first two feet of intestines, thereby lowering type 2 diabetes and reducing overall weight.
Wow. The answer to our dietary dilemma is a bad piece of slang from the eighties.
Totally tubular, dude.
America, ya gotta love it.