#815 Zucchini-alis

I think the watermelon industry is trying to pull a fast one. Erecting a structure of mistruths to persuade the American male to eat more melons.
I don’t blame them. Sometimes the best thing you can do to pump up a sagging product line is find another market.
The craisin is a prime example. Cranberries essentially consist of two things, juice and husk. The juice sells pretty well. Whole cranberries continue their dominance of the Christmas dinner accessory plates.
But the empty husks were being sold for fodder, or worse—cranberry compost. Enter a clever person and an even cleverer name. “Craisin.” Dried, chewy cranberry husks were suddenly the newest snack craze in a health food focused society. They’re great on salads too. And “craisin” sounds crazy fun.
A whole heck of a lot more market-friendly than “empty husk.”
The melon people also needed help. Find a new set of customers to enjoy their product beyond the Fourth of July. It’s not like they can sell rinds. Or can they? And sell more melons too?
The answer?
Caution, consult your physician if your 4th of July dessert lasts longer than 4 hours.
A recent spate of news stories came from out of nowhere. Heretofore silent scientists were suddenly and suspiciously telling us that watermelon has, get this, Viagra-like effects.
A good set of melons has always been stimulating to certain males. But apparently it’s not just the sight of these plump orbs that cause the vaunted result. Watermelons contain a chemical called citrulline, which has the same vaso-dilating effects as Viagra.
Most of the chemical is in the rind, so we may actually see a new powdered rind supplement sometime soon.
Because the problem is, melons are diuretics. You have to eat a lot of watermelon for it to act like Viagra, but eating too much makes you want to go all right—to the bathroom.
Which, from a Viagra standpoint, sort of ruins the, um, mood.
And really, with the seeds, the stickiness, the mess, and taking up so much room in the refrigerator, watermelons are a lot of hassle.
I think I’ll wait for these scientists to come out with a similar use for zucchini.
America, ya gotta love it.