#801 X-Twistoff

So I go to a lot of meetings. And seems like once or twice a week I go to a business having an open house. At these occasions it is customary for the business to give out notions. Little souvenirs that it is considered to be your obligation to take, and subsequently use.
I’ve noticed the freebie givers must believe we all have an obsession with bottles. Bottle openers are high up the freebie list.
I’ve also noticed that the businesses in question think we like our bottles so much we need to carry bottle openers around on our key chains. Virtually every bottle opener I’ve acquired has a loop, ring or chain meant to facilitate attachment to a bunch of keys.
I have too many keys already. If I added non-key devices to my keychain, my pockets would bulge more than the bounds of obscenity consider legal.
One of the bottle openers one of the places gave away is sitting on my desk. It is hard plastic and has a hole with a serrated rim that I suppose is designed to help with twist-off bottle caps.
So you don’t have to use your shirttail to save your delicate fingers, I guess.
It also has a metal-reinforced slot in the top where, if the twisting doesn’t work, you can just pop the bottle cap off. So if you have the tool to pop it off, why bother to twist it in the first place?
The other keychain-enabled opener is even more interesting. It’s a triangular shaft of metal with a bottle opening slot on the wide end. But it’s also curved into the unmistakable shape of a shoehorn.
Lots of beer drinkers I know change their shoes frequently enough to keep one of these on their keychain. And put up with a three-and-a-half inch shaft of stiff metal in their pockets.
I think the world would be simpler if we all had at least one key on our keychain that had an oversized head, just big enough to have a slot you could use as a bottle opener.
America, ya gotta love it.